Initially, it was bright in there but I wasn’t sure about its depth. I didn’t know that it would be so deep and the effect would be so great…. After dwelling in there for a period that seems almost forever, I’m shocked to find myself still trapped in there. I’ve fallen inside and it’s just too deep until I can’t get out. It’s a terrifying experience to be there, alone in the deep well. And now, all that’s left is darkness.
Over time, a few good Samaritans have shown some effort in helping to get yours truly out and yes, I made it a few times. But, in the end, I gave up. I didn’t know I had developed some kind of preference towards the well. Somehow or rather, I’ve gotten acclimatized to the well’s depth and darkness. It’s the comfort zone or the best hideout, which acts literally as a shelter to all sorts of fear, guilt and sins. The place where I could seek refuge in times of trouble and weep my heart out. Even though it’s empty in there, but I could still feel the warmth and tranquility. It’s just indescribable. Nobody would ever understand it.
Each time I receive help to get myself out, the ugly truth would be thrown right in front of my face, over and over again. If I had received the good Samaritans’ offer of assistance, I would have left the well to see brightness again. Yes, I did see some brightness but those weren’t the same. To me, the promising lights only appeared temporarily and instinct tells that they would never last. The rays of lights were not strong enough to drag yours truly along. Truth is, only the physique would meet the blazing sun as the other vital part has been buried underground. The heart has been residing comfortably in the deep well that used to be very bright and it’s now surrounded by darkness. So, what’s so good of owning a physique without a beating heart?
It’s dark in there, yet it’s full of power that still gives strength, inspiration and most importantly, guidance. I did put in a lot of personal effort to get myself out, to be on my own but each time I do it, there would be a recollection of past memories. The sweet and bitter memories…I still remember every single thing. Somehow, especially at tough times, I often reminisce things he said. That’s what I meant by guidance. People always say, “Live and let go” and I really tried to do what I’m supposed to do. I just let everything go and let the past flow freely. Yet, I’m always reminded on every thing I experienced whilst there were lights in the well. The wind blew almost everything away but it keeps blowing all those things back.
I did so many things but nothing worked. At the moment when I almost forget everything, there would surely be something to remind me about him. Even one of the male characters in the Singaporean English drama, First Mum bears a resemblance of him. (All the while, I love Sg dramas, so I’m NOT watching it because of the actor’s face!) The actor really looks like him, albeit a little older. The formal wear, the height, his features, etc…gosh! (Oh have I mentioned that I’ve got a fetish for guys with that kind of physical characteristics…and those with specs, ooohh! This topic about obsession is just too hot to handle! Thus, it’s entitled to a post altogether… I’ll blog about it some other time!)
Arrghh…I’m so bloody emo just because I’m stuck in the jungle for almost three weeks! Thanks to exams! …And I’m sick! *sigh* Even the sore throat I’m having now reminds me of him! Idiot. Since I’m now temporarily separated from the current one, it’s an indication that there would be ample time to ponder upon old memories while I continue dwelling in the empty well. This is so wrong. I’m not hoping for anything from him anymore but why am I still thinking with a million what-ifs? *Wipes away tears* Oh I’m such an emo bitch!
*Listening to Josh Groban’s songs….and thinking….and thinking*
