How thick is your skin???

It’s this guy idiot again. Did I mention earlier that he’s very thick-skinned?? Here’s the proof to how thick the skin of his face is…

Idiot: Ehh, you all free on the 13^th or not? (Asking me and SY)

SY: Why? What’s so special on the 13^th??

Me: Assignments’ dateline??

Idiot: No lah, that day is my birthday you know… you all must eat with me!

SY: Oh, your birthday izit? Okie, no problem…where to eat?

Idiot: We go out (anywhere outside our campus, a.k.a. the jungle) to eat lah. Rent a car and ask the others to join also. Remind me to tell them later.

Me: Joining is not a problem…(IT IS ACTUALLY A BIG PROBLEM!! How the hell can I enjoy my food when I need to see his bloody face??? This is the face that made me have sleepless nights, doing all the projects and assignments! With him around, even delicious food would taste like shit!!!)

SY: How many do you intend to invite?? If you ask too many to join, it might be too expensive and you’ll go bankrupt!

Idiot: Who says that I’m going to pay?? My birthday you know…

Me: Ehh, if you’re not paying then who’s going to pay?? The one inviting is always the one paying… (That’s the rule, isn’t it??? Unless, we organize a special party or something, then that’s a different case as we would be paying WILLINGLY)

Idiot: No lah, I ask you all to come belanja (treat) me lah. My birthday you know…

(The both of us started to look pissed off…)

Idiot: Aiya, give face lah. My birthday you know…make sure you all choose nice place with nice food ya. If got seafood better still lah. Remember to give presents also ok! I’m waiting for a new bag. (Grinning moronically)

Farking shit! Who gives a damn whether it’s his birthday or not??? My birthday is also a few days away but I wouldn’t be so thick-skinned to request for a birthday party or something. Coz the skin of my face is not as thick as his…he is proven to be very thick-skinned, as thick as The Great Wall of China!!!

And I just hate it when he mentioned, “My birthday u know…” for millions of times! Who cares whether it’s his birthday or funeral??? Some more dare to initiate the type of food he prefers to eat! Even reminded us to prepare presents for him! What an idiot! Tak tahu malu langsung!! If I really need to pay (I’m not a stingy person ok! I’m willing to pay IF he’s not that idiotic!), I’m going to find some lame excuses so that I don’t need to join him. But if he’s paying, THEN I’M GOING!!! GOING TO ORDER LOTS OF FOOD, EAT TILL HE GOES BANKRUPT…Muahahahahaha…(Damn it, I'm not childish ok! I'm just doing something that you would also do if you were in my situation!)

An exasperating stranger with smelly armpits!

I don’t really know this guy. All I know is that he’s a junior who came in with a Diploma qualification. This guy, who looks like a typical China man attends the The Giant Penguin’s class too.

At first, I didn’t really bother his existence as he’s just another plain ugly looking guy in my faculty. But I got very annoyed with this bloke after he showed his continuous weird attitude.

Ever since the first day of class, he has been asking the whole class, every student for books. All he wants is to borrow or buy our books, but does he really need to ask me the same old question for more than 5 times??? Do I need to repeat that ‘NO’ word for the umpteenth time??? What an irritating moron! Go and shit somewhere else ok! I love my books and usually, I DON’T simply lend or sell them, especially to lousy people!! I’d rather keep them. Damn! I just hate pushy weirdoes!

Every time I enter The Giant Penguin’s class, I’ve to remind myself to avoid him so that I wouldn’t be so irritated. And, I’m NOT the only one who goes through this strange situation. He has asked everyone, even approached my other friends, asking the same lousy question for uncountable times too! So, what the hell is actually wrong with this guy??? He’s only in the first semester but he has been asking the whole class of senior students on books related to final year studies or majoring subjects! This guy must be crazy, extremely kiasu and kiasi (afraid of losing, afraid of death)!!

He’s also a sensitive idiot! The other day, when I was in the same bus with SY and him, SY complained about a terrible stench. The awful smell was like the smell of someone’s sweaty underarms!

SY: Ehh, you smell anything or not?

Me: Yea, smells like someone forgot to use Rexona!

SY: Where does the smell come from?? I’m having a blocked nose but I could still smell it!

Me: Well, just look around to see who’s raising his or her arms to hold the metal bar in the bus…He or she might probably be standing somewhere near the air-cond!

So, the both of us looked around and saw that weirdo, with his right arm up, holding the metal bar. When he overheard our conversation, he quickly put down his arm! Amazingly, the smell was gone after he lowered his right arm! So, it must be him…the one who needs to use Rexona for a no sweat, no awful smell challenge! Damn, this guy was so perasan case (oversensitive)! Actually, I wasn’t referring to him when I asked SY to look around in the bus, as I didn’t even realize that he was there… BLAH!!

OMG!! He’s here, in the library too!! I got to act stupid and pretend that I didn’t see him! Ohhh, PLEASE DON’T come over to my table, I don’t want to explode straight in his boring face!! Shooo…go away!

The Purring Magnet

Do you like cats? I used to like cats but now, I just hate them. Between cats and dogs, I would prefer a dog! Coz I think cats are stupid, useless and annoying. Sorry to cat lovers…but I just can’t help it!

Ever encountered any cats doing their ‘big or small’ businesses under or near an umbrella?? Never?? All right, I guess I was ‘very lucky’ to have these ugly and dirty felines shitting and urinating under my umbrella last semester! And because of that, I had to buy another 2 umbrellas. Damn!!

It all happened when I left my wet umbrella outside my hostel room after a heavy downpour. So, the wandering cats found my blue coloured umbrella attractive and interesting enough to be their shade for doing businesses. Well, maybe the cats of the 21^st century are so different that they too, would be shy while doing businesses! Blah!! As I was in desperate need for an umbrella to brave through the rainy season, I did something unexpected! No…I didn’t kill or torture those cats but I WASHED my umbrella!!! WTH?? Washing an umbrella with Breeze colour??? LOL…

Another reason for hating cats is the annoying noises they make DAILY. The cats here at my hostel block have high sex drives! I’m not kidding but it’s just so damn true! I realized that the cats here enjoy a non-stop whole semester of mating season. Firstly, you’ll hear an uncontrollable moaning from these cats, like as if there’s a porn movie shooting ghost hunting ceremony or something. Then you’ll see the female cats getting pregnant one after another. After giving birth, they’ll soon become irresponsible mothers by leaving the kittens at one corner, while they continue their competition of chasing after the about-to-extinct male cats to get sextified. And the whole sex-pregnant-kittens scene repeats over and over again…it’s just a vicious cycle!

These cats here suffer from severe body odour (BO). Even if you don’t suffer from BO, you might possibly smell like a cat if you were to walk past the cats here. So, it’s rather useless to apply any deodorant or perfume! Just to be safe and not smelling like a cat, I must avoid walking past these cats all the time!

Hmmm…Did I do something bad to any cat last time that all these cats seem to be so attracted to me now?? Ahhh…yes! I remember that there’s once when I made a cat committed suicide!! LOL…

I was about 14 years old when the cat ‘committed suicide’ at my previous apartment! It made annoying noises when I was in the dreamland. I peeped through the windows and saw a black cat sitting on the wall along the corridor, overlooking a panoramic view of the sea. I spotted that feline, and slowly crawled out of my unit. When I was only a few centimeters away from it, I suddenly stood up and gave it a big surprise shock!

“CHAK!!!! Surprise..!!”

Initially, I thought that cat would be smart enough to run away (along the corridor) but I over-estimated it! It was too stupid until it decided to jump down from the fifth floor. I was dumbstruck!!

“OMG!!! Did I just kill a cat????? Is it dead??? Ohh…Please don’t die!!”

I quickly went down to have a check on the cat but it ran away the moment it saw me. I assumed that the cat was ok since that it could still recognize me and ran away. So, I guess the felines could identify me and want to revenge for their cat friend who committed suicide years ago! Haha…

The Jealous Faggot

What would you do if a pondan were to stare at you?? What would you think if s(he) continues to stare at you, focusing at your chest???? Now, if you were a guy, then congratulations! You might be that pondan's next target! Haha...but if you were a lady, don't worry. That faggot is definitely NOT going after you. It's just that that pondan is jealous...jealous of your assets!

Recently, when I was on my way to the lecture halls, a pondan sat beside me in the bus. At first, I didn't really bother about shim (a substitute term for anyone who is neither a he nor a she based on the Tiramisu Class of Stupid Nonsense) but when that faggot kept looking at me, I got very annoyed. S(he) was wearing a tight-fitting pink coloured top.

"WTF is wrong with you?? Why are you staring at me??? I'm normal ok, I'm only into guys...real men, and not someone sissy like you!!", my brain started thinking and I was really tempted to say that.

After quite some time, I realised that that ugly pondan, who had make up on his pimply face as thick as a pancake, was actually staring at my chest, focusing at my boobs!! So, I stared back at that faggot and realised something. OMG!!! All I could see was his flat chest with a set of tits, protruding from his tight-fitting top! I know the reason behind shim weird stares already!!

And all I could think of at that moment was, "Nyek! Nyek! Nyek! My boobs are so real! Jealous that mine is bigger than yours?? Awww...poor thing! Why don't you get a cheapskate breast augmentation with a poor quality silicon which might only last for a few months??"

p/s: The moral of the story is that ladies need not be afraid of pondans or faggots! They MIGHT be prettier, but they are still so unreal. They are only jealous of our assets. So, everytime when they stare at you, particularly at your chest or boobs, then just do this, smile back, inhale, stomach in and chest out!! LOL...

Psst…Cheapskate pad, anyone??

Yes. Don’t be surprised! I’m really talking about pads, the one women use for a few days on every month during the flow of strawberry jam. So, you’ve heard of famous brands like Kotex and Whisper, the one promoted by Amber Chia. But this one that I’m going to talk about is an extremely cheapskate pad, with some kind of so-called pleasant scent. It has no wings, no side gathers, and no instant-absorbent stuff, nothing besides causing leakage! Before I go further about this, just have a look at the pictures below.

The cheapskate pad. Would you consider using it??

Do the words printed on the plastic itself look like the strawberry jam stained on the cheapskate pad??

So, what do you think? Does it really look like a pad?? Haha…It’s not a pad actually. Just look like one. That’s why I labeled it as cheapskate. Recently, I managed to find some spare time to go back to civilization amidst the seriousness of the haze and also my busy schedule. So, we (my family) decided to have dinner at Jasmine Garden Cafeteria, located opposite YMCA. The place is quite famous for affordable yet delicious home-cooked food. Ok, I’m not going to elaborate more on the place, as my focus is more on the pad.

I realized that every time after we finished our meal at Chinese restaurants, we would get some kind of scented wet tissue, packed in a small plastic packet. So, do you use it? I’m not against wet tissues but scented wet tissues??? Think again (apply some basic science knowledge please!). The scent actually comes from some cheap brands of perfume, sprayed onto the wet tissues. Still can’t get the idea?? Ok, look…what’s the main purpose of the wet tissue?? It’s for hygiene’s sake. You may use the wet tissue to wipe here and there after you’re done with a sumptuous meal. But if you were to use a scented wet tissue to wipe here and there, particularly your mouth and hands, wouldn’t it be ‘dirty’? Just imagine, the atoms and molecules inside the wet tissues attract and bind together with those of the perfume. The wet tissue might be clean but the perfume is NOT. So, the presumably clean wet tissue is actually ‘dirty’ especially if sprayed with some cheapskate or even branded perfume.

Ok, now do you get what I’m trying to point out here?? NO??? Gosh!! It’s so sad to know that you don’t even have basic science knowledge in your bloody coconut brain!! Too bad…that just makes me feel much better, much smarter than you!! Can’t accept the fact?? Ok, just go and bang your coconut head against the wall for three times. Believe me, you might be 0.1 % smarter than before. Haha…

Merdeka!

It's 11.16pm now. It's still not too late to celebrate the day our country achieved independence huh? Anyway, this is the flag that I made myself, forced to draw and colour it by some idiots from my faculty. I was supposed to post this flag together with this article but the lousy labs in my uni has some kinda problems...damn

*Yea, I know...this flag doesn't look like the original one, but I made an effort to draw and colour it. What have you done??? Blah...

Can you spell F-O-R-E-P-L-A-Y???

While waiting to enter The Giant Penguin’s class, we (me and 2 other course mates, one male, one female) gossiped about the latest rumor. The hot topic was about a student who was allegedly raped by an unknown intruder last week.

Course mate 1: Eh, u guys know or not?? A huan na poh got raped recently!

Me: Really?? When did that happen?
Course mate 1: Heard that it happened last week…so, u girls better be careful….yadda, yadda, yadda….
Me: Hey, I’m really curious as to how that pervert got the girl prepared for the whole thing in such a short period of time. He has to settle her fast. Don’t tell me he straightaway entered her dry sister??? His little brother will definitely suffer…
Course mate 2: Rape means rape la… prepare for what??? (This statement proves pure innocence and ignorance)
Me: (trying to explain or rather describe in a polite way)…BUT it’s gonna be painful for both of them…errrr….u know what I mean right??
Course mate 2: Means what?? I thought that the girl is the only one in pain???
Me:…aiya, u just think and apply some basic science and psychological knowledge la. U’ll get what I mean…
Course mate 1: Yalar, I also don’t understand. U mean the guy will also experience pain??
Me: Ehh…u’re a guy and u don’t know this??? OMG!!!
Me: Ok, just recall back the chapter on frictions that we studied in our Physics class previously. If we rub 2 materials together, those materials would be worn out after rubbing for quite some time right?? So, need to make the rubbing smooth so that the materials won’t experience much friction. It’s just the same like the story of the girl who got raped. (OMG!! I can’t believe I used this concept to explain!!)
Course mate 2: (With a dumb look) I still don’t quite understand la…if sure to feel the pain then why that rapist wanna rape her wor??
Me: That’s why I said he needed to prepare her…
Course mate 1: How to prepare??? What is there to prepare la?? U talk nonsense!
Me: Prepare the girl so that she’s properly lubricated…not much pain to both parties.
Course mate 2: Ha mi si lubricated?? (Ha mi si = ‘What is…’ in Hokkien)
Me: …..
Course mate 1: Ehh…rape case only la, why so ma huan eh?? (Ma huan = troublesome)
Me: It’s called FOREPLAY la, the usual prerequisite to sex! (Damn! Initially, I wanted to be polite and don’t want to corrupt the innocent and very ignorant people’s brain with this word, but I’ve got no choice but to say it out!)
Course mate 2: Ha mi si foreplay???
Me: Hahahahhaa... Forget about what I said la…(still laughing)
Course mate 1 & 2: Oi, tell la…ha mi si foreplay???
Me: Long story… LOL