A heart made of glass

A girl's heart is literally made of glass. It's fragile...but at times, it could be hard or soft, all depending on situations, whether it's a good or a bad one.

So, what if a girl's stuck in a neither good or bad situation? I tell you....it's worse! Her eyes would be swollen because of the neverending tears rolling down her cheeks. (Goddamnit! The tears just won't stop! This is so unbelieveable!) A situation that she can't control anymore until her parents notice the tears and all that. See? That's not bad enough. There's more.

The girl would start to convince herself with all sorts of bloody reasons and excuses when she began to bombard herself with millions of unanswered questions. "Why isn't he calling? Oh he's probably busy with the new project again and also the Bangla workers...or maybe he's too tired until he has fallen asleep again....or he has fallen sick again...or he's occupied with the family due to filial piety, etc." What else could she do? A career-minded yet family-oriented man is like that. Nothing can be done!

She would do anything to make herself feel better. She would try to make herself stronger and hate the idiot by listening to Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name. She would get adequate attention from other men and this at least proves that she's still attractive. The extra attention she gets reminds her that she won't die without this one as there are many other eligible ones out there. She would try her best to forget everything but the problem is left unsolved. The idiot doesn't even know what's happening and she should be hating him but after some time, her heart would just transform into the soft mode again when it actually shouldn't.

Is it really that complicated? Oh well...I was chatting with a male friend the other day and he said, "Guys are stupid. We don't know what you girls are thinking about. Just say it out and tell him." So are you guys really that stupid? GAhhh... Don't you get it? Don't you know that something's wrong somewhere? At times, you would call four to five times a day as though you can't live without yours truly, making me feeling like a prized possession. You would tell every single thing in your life, from the lazy Bangla workers to the Ah Lians you saw, your dogs, projects and even the underwear colour! At other times, you would just disappear without any news for one to two days, which makes me thinking whether you're dead or still alive! This is getting shitty. You come and go anytime you want. It just makes me feel like a solid waste!

In these 22 years, I've never really celebrated my birthday because I just hate it. People never seem to be sincere enough. So why should there be a celebration on the day I turn a year older? My family usually forgets my birthday and would often compensate with belated or early birthday gifts. Never mind. I'm big enough. I don't need birthday celebrations. This time everyone remembers my birthday, even my family... except the idiot. I don't think he knows it too. Never mind. I'm not greedy over anything from him. After all, the feeling of being a non-valuable trash has been embedded in yours truly. So does it make any difference? Nehh...

Luckily I still have a bunch of close friends. I was moved to tears when two cheemuis called all the way from Sabah to wish me and cheer me up. I was so touched when my Uni friends came all the way to Penang to celebrate my birthday, albeit a day earlier. I was happy to receive SMSes from friends who reside in other states and also other countries, from as far as UK. I was glad the previous one called all the way from the neighbouring country just for a simple "Happy Birthday" wish. Thanks a lot! You guys mean so much to me.

While battling the emotional slump, some peeps became morons at the wrong time. This course mate of mine made me uncomfortable when he said, "I don't mind spending some time in Penang because I'm accompanying a gorgeous lady like you" Euuuuwwww! It feels disgusting when someone says that kind of thing especially when you're already in a bad mood. I could digest what he said if he was another date or any potential fishes. Yucks! Apart from that, I was utterly surprised when some morons who disappeared ages ago because they thought I was boring and ugly came back with fake sincerity and wished me "Happy Birthday". I wished I could be happy just because of those wishes.

You know...sometimes, it's just so tiring to keep comforting myself with stupid excuses until I started reminding myself that I probably deserve someone better. I always believe there's someone better out there. After all, I started this one with a "game" mode. An unexpected one. I never thought it would go this way. And now that the mode has been unknowingly changed into feelings, it's really time to decide. It's a choice of either to end or to continue and whatever the decision is, I have nothing to lose....so we seriously need to talk but before that, I need to investigate whether he's dead or still alive!

Birthday tears

A few minutes ago, I turned a year older....but it feels like a normal idiotic day. I went 101% emotional, teary-eyed and my cheeks were all wet. Nothing happened, no arguments, absolutely nothing...but it just happened while I was on the line with him. I cried on my birthday? What the fcuk??

He thought I was angry because of one thing, but I wasn't....that's just a secondary issue. In fact, I was angry because of another thing but he just couldn't understand it. He kept apologizing without knowing the root cause of the problem. Men are weird creatures!

And I really don't know why the fcuk tears kept flowing down my cheeks! Has it gotten that deep? If not then what the hell is wrong with my eyes? Oh I finally managed to unblock the tearducts or something? Bloody hell. It's fcuking irritating when everything happens at the same time! I'm emotionally unstable. I'm bleeding but not dying yet. I just can't stop my eyes from shedding tears! I feel the pain in the heart but not diagnosed with any heart complications. All these happened on the same day, of all days on my birthday! Bitch!

Oh shit, I suppose everything will be ok once I put it to an end! And that will only happen if my bloody eyes don't "rain" when we both meet up tomorrow! Oh what a memorable birthday! Fcuking shit!

Anyway, happy birthday bitch! Please be reminded that I'm only a year older but not an old ugly auntie yet!

A bright and inspiring day

It was 5 in the morning, on 9th August, a few years ago. I was very excited even though I wasn’t the main star of the day. Everyone at home woke up early, dressed smartly and looked forward to the grand occasion. It was our family’s first big event, and my parents and I were obviously very proud of it. Bro was just cool and calm.

“Nothing big deal…it’s just a normal day” he said but he certainly looked stunning in that big “coat”.

We left home at about 6am, but we were shocked to see a big crowd of peeps who reached there earlier than us. Bro really looked great even though his big “coat” made him looked a bit like a professor or anyone similar. While waiting for Bro to enter the main hall, I saw many others who donned the same robe. Everyone was in a cheerful mood, with their hands full with bouquets of flowers and gifts. The grand event itself was truly an eye-opener to me, as I was merely in my teens, still schooling. I felt some kind of weird feeling. I could feel the people’s happiness there and that made me congratulate a few nearby strangers. Hehe. I was an insane teenager…or was that just a lame trick to strike a conversation with cool and smart looking guys? *Grins*

“You’re not allowed to enter the hall. I can only bring in two guests, so mum and dad are going in with me,” Bro said it when I desperately wanted to enter the extremely large hall, which is full of “smart” people.

So they went in, and I was left alone. After some time, I received a call from my cheemui and she said she’s somewhere near the food stalls. I had earlier invited her to join me on that big day and she came! *Oh, that was very sweet of her!* Anyway, we went to tour around the big place, from building to building, and saw many different faces. After some time, I heard an announcement.

“The event is going to start within minutes. Family members and friends are invited to watch the “live” ceremony at Lecture Halls F, G, H and I”. I went into Lecture Hall G (If I’m not mistaken), sat there with my cheemui and some snacks we bought from the outside food stalls. After a while, the grand event started. Everyone in the lecture hall was amazed with the number of peeps in the main hall.

After some 30 minutes or so, I saw Bro on the big screen! OMG! He looked so yau-yeng on screen! Haha. Kitaro’s Reimei could be heard clearly when Bro walked up the stage, alone, to receive his scroll from an old wise man who looked like Dr. Sun Yat Sen with a “penguin suit”. The song sounded like as if everyone there who donned the robe in the large hall had fought a long way, battling the “war” and challenges and putting in lots of effort just to be awarded the scroll of honour on that fateful day. The whole scene of Bro being the centre of attention, with more than five thousand pairs of eyes glued at him only lasted three minutes, or the most five but I was truly amazed with it. I was so proud of him that I became teary-eyed. (Erm, that was a tad exaggerating…maybe, yours truly was just too emo at that time. Heh!)

From that moment, I kept the scene in the brain, and vowed to enter a university (not any colleges out there!), to go through the same big event Bro experienced, to wear the big robe and mortarboard, and to make my parents proud again. Nobody understood why I felt that way. Neither did I (at the beginning) but I knew it later on and reckoned that it wasn’t a bad thing. Until today, I’m glad that the inspiring scene is still very fresh in mind and it has so far stimulated me to do what I’m supposed to do. And, one thing for sure is that my turn would come, very soon. I’m definitely looking forward to it. It could be just an ordinary day to anyone, but to me, it’s a special day that brings feelings of accomplishment and derives enormous satisfaction when my folks glow with pride.

Anyway, I’d like to congratulate some of my friends who have recently graduated. Wait for me…I’m next! Hehe. And thanks Bro, you’ve always been an inspiring figure even though your gila-gila character sometimes drives me nuts! =)

*Listening to Reimei, by Kitaro*

***I just attended my close friend’s convocation ceremony a few hours ago and OH MY GOD!!! The excitement was really killing me! Even though it’s not my graduation, I could feel the intense excitement as though I was the one graduating! Gahhh….First, I saw a family friend’s daughter in her graduation robe. So, I told myself I want to wear it too. Then, it was Bro’s turn. I vowed to wear the robe no matter how. After that, I got envious when I saw seniors wearing the “big coat” when I was still in Sem 1 and Sem 3. I kept asking, “When is my turn?”

Now, it’s my close friend’s turn!!! And what about me? I’M NEXT!! Woohooo…Before I knew it, the time would come really soon and I’ll be posting my graduation pics all over this blog! Hahahaha…Oh I can’t wait anymore!! *thinks… “what am I going to wear on that day?”, “what about shoes and hairstyle?”, “what type of flower would I be getting?”, “will tears of joy flow freely?”, “I’m going to miss my friends!!!”, etc.*

Gosh! I’ve gone crazy again. I’m off! Ciao. *Logs off while still smiling to herself*

My two close friends in Uni. *Sobs* I'm going to miss her!!

Need a boost for self-esteem?

How often do you look at yourself in the mirror and see your own self-image, internally and externally? I do that quite often. It’s a habit I guess. At times, I do get annoyed and angry with myself. At other times, I would try to view myself from many other angles and this practice has some sort of benefits actually. You’ll love yourself more if you ever found anything interesting about yourself. Think about it.

Recently, I took almost an hour to scribble down some personal dreams, ambitions and goals for the next couple of years. I’m not going to copy-paste them here as they are truly very personal, but I’m encouraging you to do the same thing. I’m convinced by Zig Ziglar’s method after reading his book. He said, we should be clear of what we want and as we write them out, we eliminate ambiguity…which is very true to me. And the most important thing he highlighted was, the first step in doing almost anything: Taking Action.

Many of us wait till the arrival of a strong push to do something. That is very passive. If you have all the plans in mind, it’s a good thing. But if you’re not making any moves, the plans will only follow you into the coffin when your soul leaves the body one day. The plans are dead. We’re the ones to activate and give them lives, and fulfill them. Sound simple, isn’t it? Easier said than done.

I’ve seen, met and known many people who “kill” themselves each day with the negative thoughts. If you say you can’t do it, it’s obvious you’ve self-perceived yourself as useless and someone who really cannot do it. A good example would be Gorilla. She’s my roommate’s close friend and also her second ex-roommate. Gorilla comes to my room a few times each day and I really hate to welcome a super irritating bitch, noisy, big-sized and a very negative person into my room. (I’ll blog specifically about her next time.)

This is what she likes to say. “Die-lah! It’s almost 12am but I still don’t know what I’m reading. No mood to study leh. I’m a goner in tomorrow’s exam. I wonder I could get a C or not.” And then, she continues yakking on inane stuff.

See the example above? It only indicates that she’s a loser. When you only have limited time left for whichever battle (exams, presentations, interviews, whatever), then you should really fully utilise the available time with maximum productivity rather than wasting your time on negative thoughts. Time is worth more than money and by killing time we are killing our own chances for success. If you keep saying “Die-lah”, then I’m sure you’re already prepared to die even before the battle starts. That makes you a loser even before you enter the battlefield. Shame on you! (I have lots of examples actually. I see and deal with these people everyday in Uni. Perhaps, I should blog about them next time.)

I believe each of us is born with certain abilities and potentials. All we need to do is to search for them, recognize what you’re good at, and polish them. In some cases, we could actually learn the abilities and further enhance our skills. So, why should we limit ourselves to certain things, and put the blame on hereditary factors? If you can’t do something, it’s not your parents’ fault for passing down those genes you perceived to be the cause of your failure! It’s all in you. So, don’t be such an idiot to blame the surroundings and heredity when you yourself are actually a loser!

Anyways, I’ve identified a few (many!) characteristics and concepts that are vital in order to achieve the 18 (more to come) very detailed personal dreams, ambitions and goals I listed earlier. Some are only applicable to yours truly but the rest could be useful to you too. Some of them are actually linked to each other. So, consider applying them in your life and see the difference for yourself. (I’m not joking!)

Remember:

-Learning is a lifelong thing. Knowledge is important. There’s no end to it.

-Always emphasise on self-improvement, self-upgradation and be progressive.

-Always try to fully utilize the potentials you have, preferably use it as much as you can!

-Never be comfortable with mediocrity. Always try to reach the maximum, highest or best outcomes.

-Always put in 100% effort in anything you do. If possible, contribute 101% effort. The satisfaction is there. The outcome would only make you love yourself more. And you’ll also realize that you could actually do something beyond your expectations.

-Always strive for the best performance in anything you do. If you’re not passionate on what you’re doing and are doing it half-heartedly, you might as well don’t do it!

- Once you’re stuck at the comfort zone, you’ll start to slow down. Productivity level will deteriorate. This would only make you feel useless. So, get your ass out of the comfort zone!

-Control your own emotions, anything you dislike could be changed and controlled. Make yourself love something and you’ll do well in it. (Note: I’m not asking you to love someone you hate! Just put yourself in their shoes and be thankful you’re not like that! If you hate certain tasks, make yourself love it and you’ll eventually perform better. I’ve tried this method before and it really works.)

-Patience is virtue. Ignore idiots. Why should you be angry over morons? You’ll only be scarred with negative effects…you’ll age even faster, with premature wrinkles and pigmentation!! Oh no! (No wonder I could still tolerate my “dear” roommate! *Grins*)

-High need for achievement and power. (According to David McClelland) Those are the essentials to climb the corporate ladder.

-Identify the opportunities that come knocking on your door and grab them. Don’t miss the chances and regret later. Nothing is more satisfying than succeeding in the opportunities you seized.

-Always self-reward yourself for personal achievements. It’ll spur you to go further the next time. It’s a simple concept of positive reinforcements.

-Internal locus of control. Believe in yourself. Invest in yourself as you’re just like a high-priced stock! It’s all in you. Kill the devil in you and you’ll be on your way to achieve whatever you want.

-Only do beneficial things, as whichever non-beneficial things you do, they’ll only leave the negative impacts on yourself. It has nothing to do with other people. It’s all about you doing things that favours or destructs yourself.

-Money speaks. You’re just being realistic, not materialistic because you earn it with your own effort. Materialism only applies to those who crave to be supported with materials from another person. There’s only one word to describe them. Useless.

-Avoid naysayers and negative people. Just as long as you know you’re positively driven, ignore them. (No wonder I’ve avoided and ignored so many people all these years!)

-Everything lies in your own hands. You either shape it or destroy it, your choice.

-We don’t plan to fail, but we fail to plan. The planning step would be useless if there are no actions taken.

-Admire successful role models that bring positive strengths.

-Avoid saying “no” or “I can’t” before you do anything. Substitute with statements like, “If others could do it, why can’t I do it?”

-Be self-disciplined and strong-willed. Stick to the rules and principles you set for yourself.

-Perseverance. Must be determined to do anything without deviating from the goals you set.

-Proper time management. Plan your time and prioritize so that you won’t end up doing non-beneficial things until you become a useless piece of shit or a pure loser.

Wow. This post is too long already. I’m off. Ciao. Have fun playing with those concepts and get your self-esteem boosted! =)

S-T-U-P-I-D

Some people are just so stupid. What the hell is wrong with these people? We’re all born equal, with the ability to think but they chose not to activate the bloody brain cells. Whether they’re born stupid or not, I have no idea!

Do we really need to make ourselves extremely clear each time we talk to anyone? Gahh…use your common sense, duhh! *Knocks on the head* Hello?? Where’s your brain?

Any Tom, Dick or Harry knows that when we desire something, we need to earn it. Put in some effort, sincerity, cash, whatever just to get what you want. Nothing comes easily and there’s no such thing as free lunch! It’s universally understood, yet there are people who can’t even comprehend simple things like that!

Life is just like business. We often deal anything and come to a compromise with a win-win solution. Don’t be a self-centred coconut! Everything should be done to the advantage of both parties. It’s just like, you buy something from someone, he gets your money, and you get the material he sold. It is as simple as that but some people can’t even understand it. If you’re solely thinking for the benefit of your own stinking ass, then I suggest you pack your bags and take a trip to Pluto!

I wonder what’s the use of the brain when one is not utilizing the given intellectual ability. Gosh! No wonder there are so many stupid peeps around!

Never ending enthusiasm

Is there something wrong with me this semester? I started with the idea of getting another degree (I’m still thinking about it…maybe next time…it’s never too late to get it), MBA (I’m going to get it no matter how! It has been a long-term plan since I knew the abbreviation!), then got myself obsessed with the idea of getting trained abroad, and now, it’s the next one.

According to a book I recently read, I’m categorized under the number aptitude dimension (apart from a few other dimensions) under the main subject of human intellectual ability. Since I’m good at numbers and I was always good at accounting back in Secondary School, I’ve decided to include another extra qualification into my resume.

A few years ago, accounting was one of my options and I even had plans of working at the renowned PricewaterhouseCoopers or Ernst & Young after graduation…but somehow, I failed to convince myself. Dealing solely with numbers and always working at the same department were the two reasons why I didn’t want to be an accountant. So, my close friend went on with ACCA while I opted for Form Six. We went on separate ways and she’s now in UK, spending the final few months of studies before graduation!

I actually have interest in it (I still do?)…or maybe I would say it’s a special skill I acquired while desperately struggling (Was I really struggling? LOL!) to get an A for Principles of Accounting back in Form Five. Anyways, I got crazy again and have decided to take three UBS exams (accounting, payroll and stock control) the next semester. These external exams, which are offered by the faculty of accountancy in collaboration with UBS, require a special software for book keeping records. Since my academic transcript lacks accounting subjects, I’m equipping myself with these external certificates. And what are my reasons for doing that?

1) I’m afraid I can’t get a job (Of late, employers discriminate graduates from local public universities, even those with good grades and excellent communication skills. Bad news.)
2) I thirst for achievement and knowledge. I believe I can learn and do anything I want, just a matter of effort and determination. I’m born to learn and it never stops. Learning is a lifelong thing.
3) I’m obsessed with the idea of being a multi-skilled and multitalented employee. I’m an ambitious freak remember?
4) …Can’t be bothered to think of any other reasons. Refer to the first one.

Oh, I’m such an enthusiastic person when it comes to things like these! When I’m older, I’m so going to love myself more and be thankful for what I’m doing now! Hahaha...

Never shit at the place you eat!

That’s a very famous saying which is usually applicable at the workplace but now, I’m reminding you that it’s also applicable in other places, like where you study.

Ever came across any colleague or course mate who treated you in a “different” way? I’m sure you understand what I’m implying here but I would like to remind you…It is not appropriate to build any kind of “extra” relationship with those peeps because it is just similar to the case of putting piles of shit on your bowl of rice!

Before you land your ass in hot soup, you better think twice before you even start to dream of it. Recently (In fact, it’s been months…since early this year but I ignore it), I detected a course mate treating me differently. I thought he was merely extra-friendly, but no…that fella did quite many things to qualify himself into my radar.

I’m not bragging about this but it is really bad news. It’s true that we girls love the feelings of being chased after, the additional attention and all that, but this is definitely a different case. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to give the poor friend a wrong signal, which could land him a temporary excitement. I could see that he’s a good guy, but too bad, it’s not advisable to drag a real friend into the game….well, I know that sounds a bit weird but that’s just my style. It’s a bad idea to drag a friend into the netting, then after some time, you hurt him, and that incident would put an end to the friendship. After all, this friend doesn’t qualify a few vital criteria also…so, it’s useless to even consider him…

Over the past few months, I’ve been constantly reminding myself so as not to give him the wrong signals and it’s been a very tiring task to do. Sometimes, I’ve got no choice but to regularly mention that I go back to Penang very often because of Mr.Current Date. (Which is quite true…hehe…but it sounds so wrong to me that I need to announce to him and some other friends about my reason of going back frequently. I don’t like reporting to other people about my life, remember?)

Some female friends actually think I’m stupid as I could “use” this male friend to do certain things. Even though he sometimes really willingly helps to do certain things, I don’t think it’s appropriate to “use” a friend. This is just insane. Oh come on, don’t tell me you believe I should give him empty hopes and wrong signals so that he could continue helping me to accomplish some tasks? No thanks. It sounds so cheap! I would rather depend on myself.

This friend of mine is indeed a good guy, but during one of our recent conversations, I indirectly told him that it’s impossible because I’ve always preferred an older man. I saw disappointment painted on his face but I’m glad we’re still friends. At least, the comfort stage of this friendship is not spoilt as we could really talk on anything, from work to dreams, gossips to horoscopes, love to sex, everything.

Other than this course mate, I’ve actually detected a few other friends on my radar over the years but I avoided them, and gave all sorts of funny signals just to make it clear that it was impossible. If you knew it’s not going to work, why bother to try and destroy the comfort stage between you and your friend? It’s better to prevent it from happening than to test the market. Or else, you might even lose the friendship and it would only hurt both of you. See how difficult it is to maintain friendship and how much it means to me?

I may not be a person who has a high need for affiliation but once I regard you as a friend, I really mean it. So, heed my advice and never shit at the place you eat! Don’t simply play the game with a person if you knew he couldn’t afford to play it. Otherwise, you’ll have to risk your friendship with that person, leaving your image tainted. You get the idea.