Saturday, July 28, 2007

Buried under a mountain of dollar notes

Out of the blue, the topic was brought up. I was aware of this issue and I knew I had to face this problem...but I didn't know this person would bring this issue up so soon. And this topic suddenly makes me feel very, very small...as though I've been buried alive, under a mountain of dollar notes.

How many times do you hear this, "Money is not everything"? I agree that this could be true but without money, you lose everything. Think about it. I've also heard of this..."Even with lots of money, you won't be happy". I'm not sure how true is that but I personally feel like I'm dying...slowly, not physically but emotionally. I'm not complaining about being underpaid or having to juggle my personal financial issues, but I seriously cannot tolerate certain things that person says.

Why must those questions be repeated umpteen times? It is really VERY suffocating to think of this matter each time when it is brought up. I know I obviously can't avoid it, but can't you give me some space to take a breather? I hate it very much when you ask questions that I myself don't even have the answers yet. All I need is some time to think over this matter, and to carefully plan the path. Can it be really that bad? I've only started work not long ago and here you are, attacking me with difficult questions without even considering my feelings.

I'm afraid all the things you said and did have actually turned me into a real bitch, as in someone who sees money as everything! A money-eyed bitch....and I obviously hate myself for changing into a person like that. Whatever you said made me recalled back about that self-made millionaire I once dated. Was it really a wrong choice that I ended the relationship? I was really thinking...maybe, just maybe...I wouldn't be facing this sort of problems IF I hadn't ended the whole thing. But then again, being who I really am, I would rather die than to depend on a rich man. I guess I just have to push myself forward and suffer this phase of life before I could prove myself to someone and shut the mouth.

It seems that nothing can be done. I could only survive on two words for the time being. I have to force myself to tolerate and be independent, no matter how. All I need is time...

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