Happy 1st Anniversary!!

I've totally forgotten about the actual date I started blogging, and that was last year! Hehe. It's been a year!! I've never thought of having so much crap to blog about. *Grins*

I started blogging with an anonymous identity, with no one reading my blog. Now, it feels funny to have more and more people reading all my craps. The profile views just keep increasing everyday! Do you people really read what I write in here? Who are you? Just drop me a comment or email to say hello, ok? I'm really curious. Tell me who you are, ok?

Hmm...What if there's no feedback at all? Does it mean there's no one reading what I write?? Oh who cares? I started blogging with no readers, so I guess it doesn't really matter at all. If there's no feedback, maybe it's a good sign that I could continue blogging about the idiots around me without having to worry whether they're reading me or not. Heh heh.

Recently, I read something interesting from a book written by Zig Ziglar and I think it's worth sharing. It says:

"Real optimism is aware of problems but recognizes the solutions, knows about difficulties but believes they can be overcome, sees the negatives but accentuates the positives, is exposed to the worst but expects the best, has reason to complain but chooses to smile" William Arthur Ward.

Oh anyway, before I end this post, Happy 1st Anniversary to Ilovetiramisu.blogspot.com again. Now where's my slice of Tiramisu and glass of Vodka? There's a need to celebrate! Hahaa...

How much do you trust the people around you?

Trustworthy has always been an issue since don't know when. Maybe, it's just me or generally, we're all like that. Seriously, I admit that having too much of doubts on other people's intentions is not good, but do you really trust them? I don't think so.

This so-called problem could be due to the fact that it has been embedded in our brains since young, that we should not trust strangers, cannot simply believe in what others say, etc. etc. Oh, speaking of strangers, even the dearest friend of ours were once a stranger. So, do you actually believe in him or her?

Being doubtful isn't a good habit but do you really believe that those peeps around you aren't sticking around just to get something back in return? Say, maybe they have some kind of hidden agendas in mind, whatever it could be. Personally, I've experienced it. Some so-called friends would be extra friendly and caring when they need something from you.

There's an idiot who once treated me like a princess in the University, telling the whole campus of students that we were an item and bla bla bla...and you know what he wanted? He needed a girl, or anyone who is stupid enough to do all the assignments for him and take down notes for him. Haa...just too bad that he got the wrong catch! Now, there's a blind girl doing everything for him while he's out there enjoying himself with a much prettier girl, who is smart of course! Well, that's just a simple example. In fact, there are more to list out but I guess I'll just cut them short.

These people around you be it male or female, could possibly have something in their minds. It's the hidden agenda. They could be eyeing on your wealth (or money if you're not rich enough), free food, free movies, sex, just anything. So, does it mean that we're actually leading a life where we would use each other to accomplish certain targets? That sounds scary but life's like that. But, there's an exception. If you're willingly used or would like to offer help to the peeps around you, and feel good each time after they thank you, then it's definitely a different story altogether.

After yakking so much on this topic, I'm back to the question. Do you really trust the peeps around you? Seriously, I don't. I only believe that some of them are truly sincere. I heard you asking, "What about the rest?" Yea. The rest could possibly be numbnuts who either want my body, heart or brain. And you ask why am I always so choosy and skeptical, now go figure it out yourself!

Prevent or face it?

There's nothing much to talk about today but I just feel like blogging. Well, I know...that's just a lame excuse. Oh whatever.

Anyway, I was wondering... Is preventing anything from getting worse another way of running away from reality? It has always been embedded in almost everyone's brain that prevention is better than cure. So which is which now? Is prevention an alternative word for chicken shits? If you were the type who deals with each problem face-to-face, then aren't you supposed to blame yourself should any bad news or unexpected situations happen? Bleh. This is so confusing.

I've got equations to all that.

Prevention = Running away from a problem; Hiding; Acting stupid when confronted. (Problems will never be solved. They stay there till the day you got buried six feet underground.)

Facing a problem = Settling each problem by cracking your brain to think of a good solution; Problem solver (If the solution is a good one and you managed to settle the bloody problem, then congrats! If the solution is a bad one, then you're just another loser who couldn't even settle his own problem.)

See the difference here? Aihhh....

Self-destruction??

The question "How much do you know about me?" got me thinking. I pondered upon this yesterday and realised something. I've actually taken a 180 degrees turn within a year's time into who I am now. It isn't merely physical changes, but it's more on the mentality or mindset. I found this side of myself when I least expect it to happen. I've never thought of myself as someone like that actually. Sometimes, it's just freaking scary to see myself in the mirror as the reflection of my inner self is just like a total stranger to me.

I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but it isn't a good news either. I've since grown to see things differently, from multiple angles. I've since learnt a lot about my own self too. But, there's just something that is bugging me. Is the past really a catalyst to who I am now? If it is, then I'm surely a sucker who doesn't know how to handle her problems. Well, I'm not blaming my past but it really feels as though I'm self-destructing myself, not to the extent of committing suicide of course! (That's just plain stupid.) A simple example would be a person who drowns himself with adequate alcohol supply just to take a step out of reality. Or maybe a few more examples: A person who suddenly becomes a drug addict or sex addict, bulimic or anorexic, whatever.

Well, I'm not an alcohol-obsessed bitch yet but I guess I've since changed into a different person due to certain things in the past. It's not about yours truly floundering in self-pity but I was wondering, will I ever be like this if all those things didn't happen? Erm, I wouldn't elaborate much on the self-destruction term here, but I think I am really in such a situation. Perhaps, it's just a simple answer. Yours truly have sort of lost faith in the peeps around her...maybe.

So, is the past really a catalyst to who we are today? If it is, then what about the other useless idiots who were born with a silver spoon in the mouth, or those who have never felt hurt before, or just any plain morons? Hah! Maybe, that's the answer to why this whole planet is full of useless pieces of shit who effortlessly fart in his and her comfort zone. No wonder there are so many immature retards out there. Erm, I guess the only good thing about the past being a stimulant to who I am today is I am way better than the other cows out there, who probably know nothing! So, am I actually self-destructing myself? Hmm...

Can you please STFU?? You're just another idiot!

You know, there are simply too many idiots around. Congratulations, you've just been added into the clan of idiotic people! Well, just Shut The Fcuk Up, will you???

Shouldn't you ask yourself an important question before you intrude my personal life? Now, go look at your bloody fcuking face in the mirror and repeat three times, "Who am I to ask Tiramisu such things?"

Hello??? Who cares who the fcuk you are? You're just another tiny fish who happened to swim into the netting! I have millions of fishes to consider, so don't you get it? Just mind your own idiotic business ok! I am your nobody! I need not report anything to you. I don't even report anything to my parents or bf, now think again. Do you think I should let you know everything? Yea, in your dreams!

It's totally none of your bloody business whether my phone conversations take years to end, or whether I kiss some morons, or get instant orgasms when I meet anyone or decided to throw a pile of shit on an idiot's face! I repeat...just mind your own business and fart somewhere else ok! This is my life and I have the rights to do whatever I want! So, will you please grow up and have some common sense??

What?? You're giving up already? Good for you then! That makes you less a man! Anyway, I'm tired of entertaining your pointless chats on MSN already. So, if you're not patient enough to fight with the other fishes, then it's just too bad. You've lost the game. Oh, by the way, thanks for being extra caring but you know, you're simply not worth my time and effort. So, just STFU and buzz off! You're out! Am I clear enough?


P/s: Just a short note to those reading this. I damn bloody hate anyone who controls me. So, whoever you are, just don't barge into my personal life. I hate privacy intrusion! So beware. Privacy intruders shall be persecuted!!

The inner soul speaks...

"How much do you know about me?" I got the answer to this question when I had a long chat with a female friend recently. All the while, I never realised that I've actually portrayed such an identity to everyone around me. She thinks I'm ...(fill in the blank)... kind of person but actually I'm not. Well, from her facial expressions and responses, I could see that she was very surprised to find out another part of me. *Grins* I've never blogged or told anyone about this part of myself, except my cheemui, Joyce. No wonder this female friend got so surprised.

Anyway, I've been having weird feelings lately. At times, I just feel like I need to fastforward the time a bit so that I'll be somewhere, doing something I want. But sometimes, I'm really afraid of time. It's simply passing too fast until I'm unable to cherish the current moments, so to speak.

When I was younger, I was always excited about the idea of growing up. I thought it was cool to be an adult. I was wearing the dark blue pinafore when I dreamt of entering high school. I was wearing the light blue pinafore when I aimed at Form Six students. (I was thinking of entering a college also at that time. Conflict of choices.) Then out of nowhere, I finished Form Six, and am now in my final year in University. See how fast time flies?

I was only a young innocent little girl who probably knew nothing, ugly, with thick spectacles, and pimply face. Did I mention ugly? Anyway, I'm very different now. Will I be wondering again when I'm in my thirties? How will I look like when I'm in my late twenties? What kind of life would I want to have when I reach that particular age? Have you ever wondered the same thing?

Speaking of time, I just realised that I don't really have much time left. A few days ago, I was chatting with another cheemui when she suddenly reminded me of something. She said with a tad of exaggeration, "Die la! We only have another six years!" At first, I didn't get her. So, when she explained, I laughed but I reckon what she said makes sense. I don't think six years would be enough for me to build my career, date more men and also enjoy to the fullest. It would be much better if there's another 10 years between age 20 and 30, which means that we would have a total of 20 years instead of ten. Damn, I'm greedy! HAha.

I guess I've mentioned it many times before but I'm going to say it once again. Whatever we decide to do, it all lies in our own hands. We're the ones moulding our own future, of course with the grace of that Someone up there. The other day, I pondered upon the available choices ahead of me. All the while, I believed that if we were to choose an option, we had to sacrifice something to achieve something else. Life is all about decisions and sacrifices made to reach a certain target you set.

So now, I have two choices right in front of me and I only have a year's time to really think of it. If I were to choose option 1, which is a long-term target, I would have to sacrifice the short-term target. In other words, I would need to force myself to do something I might not really like for at least TWO freaking years before I could move back on track to reach the ultimate long-term target. That's the usual saying of "suffer first, enjoy later". If I were to choose option 2, which is a short-term target, I would be doing something I really like but I might not be able to achieve the long-term target I've always aimed for. Damn. I'm torn between two options with equal pros and cons.

Anyway, before I end this post, I would like to stress on something. Everything I write in here is merely based on the release of anger, frustration and any kind of feelings that are truly personal. I don't really go against anyone I mentioned in my blog. If you find things I said offensive, then I'm really sorry. I usually pour things out in this blog and forget them after that. So friends, I hope you would understand what I'm emphasizing here. Thanks.

**Whoo... Spain's playing later at 3am? OMG! I'm off. Ciao.

To where you are, Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Remember when it rained, Josh Groban

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you
No more love and no more pride.
The thoughts are all I have to do.

Oooo..remember when it rained
Felt the ground and looked up high and called your name
Oooo...remember when it rained
In the darkness I remain

Tears of hope run down my skin
Tears for you that will not dry
They magnify the one within
Let the outside slowly die...

Oooo..remember when it rained
Felt the ground and looked up high and called your name
Oooo..remember when it rained
In the water I remain...running down.

Running down, running down
running down, running down,
running down, running down,

---Piano interlude---

ahhhhhhhh.....running down

Josh Groban's songs have brought me different kinds of feelings. Even his name reminds me of something. His songs have hidden meanings with some kind of strength! I know that was a tad exaggerating but you won't get to feel or understand what I'm saying here. No one will. Well, that's clear enough why his songs are not making me bored. Amazing.

Shitty feeling

A lady's mood fluctuates easily. It can be very fragile. And this shitty feeling makes her vulnerable to almost anything. So, I said "buzz off, idiots!" to...erm, idiots just now. Oh forget that.

I was infected with a sudden shitty feeling. Simultaneously, I'm unhappy because one of my cheemuis is currently going through a difficult stage I went through. She doesn't deserve such a painful experience but there's no one to help besides her ownself. I could feel her pain when she cried previously during my trip. What she's going through reminds me of what I did previously, just to save my own confidence.

I was just like my cheemui when I experienced it. Nobody understood that kind of feeling. Nobody would. In fact, I'm quite surprised with what I did and I managed to pull through, I think. Come to think of it, girls would do just about anything when something bad happens. Isn't that scary?

So, I pondered upon the issue that left a great impact in my cheemui's life. Who would ever understand your real self or how you actually feel beneath your smiling face? Nobody knows. So, are we actually living a life just like a clown?

I'm impressed with my own project? Aww...

**Spain won with FOUR goals scored against Ukraine!!! Ohh...those Spanish players!! *Nose bleed* HAhaa... Pass me a glass of Vodka, please? There's a need to celebrate! *Cheers*

Oh anyway, I forgot to mention a few other childhood ambitions in my previous post. I've dreamt of becoming a model (Excuse me? *choke*), an air stewardess, a nurse and a CEO of a big company (I'm still dreaming of this! HAha...). Some friends said my childhood ambitions are all too common. They were expecting me to dream of becoming someone different, like an archeologist, a researcher who does researches on dinosaur eggs or an astronaut, etc. Well, all those childhood dreams of mine may seem too boring, but don't you get it? Oh come on, I guess I've always been too realistic.

I promised to include some pics of the AutoCAD project I did in my previous semester. There are two parts in the project over a duration of three months. One, build or draft a 3D home based on a given floorplan. Two, design or draft manufacturing materials or objects. So, here are some of the pics...

*Sorry. Some of the pics are not very clear. I forgot to change the background to white. Damn. I just realised another thing. I forgot to include the chop with blog name! Argghhh... No copy-paste idiots please!

The 3D home viewed in 3D Wireframe effect from an angle


The 3D home viewed from the top with 3D Wireframe effect (without roof)


The 3D home viewed from the front with 3D Wireframe effect


The 3D home viewed from the right with 3D Wireframe effect


The 3D home viewed from the South East Isometric View with Gouraud Shaded effect (without roof)


The 3D home viewed from an angle with Render effect






The 3D home viewed from the front and a few different angles with Render effect, background, landscaping and lighting

Model 1: An office chair


Model 2: A calculator's cover


Model 3: A wine glass


Model 4: A manufacturing material

Besides building or drafting the 3D home for part One, there were about 30 models to draft for part Two. Anyway, it's really a great satisfaction to be able to use AutoCAD to draft 3D homes based on any floorplans or layouts and also the manufacturing materials and objects. I'm currently working on my own self-given project. I'm drafting and building a 3D home based on an imaginary floorplan. So, with this skill equipped, is there anyone interested in employing yours truly? HAha...

**Germany's playing later at 3am?? OMG! I'm off! Ciao.

What's your ambition?

**DAmn. Japan lost! *sobs*

"So, what would you like to be when you grow up?" That's a popular question back in school. I never had a clear answer to the question as I have always been a fickle-minded person.

I started with the fascination to be a doctor, a cardiologist to be exact. I thought it would be great to earn a lot in a meaningful way as I would get to save lives. Well, the fascination might probably be due to the fact that I chatted with the smart looking surgeons at mum's working place too much. Hehe. When I realised I needed at least seven years just to get MBBS, I chickened out. "Seven years would be too long...and by then, I would probably be an old unmarried bitch!" I reckoned. Besides, the prospects of marrying someone of the same profession is too high. So, I changed my mind and chose something easier.

I followed some idiots and wanted to be a teacher. Haha. I know I'll never be one. The teaching profession isn't my cup of tea. It's not challenging enough for a person like me. Next, the whole ambition thingy changed again. I wanted to be a fashion designer! (Go ahead and laugh! I know it sounds funny! *rolls eyes*) I'm not fashionable. I've never been one, but I could sketch gowns and clothes. (Too bad I don't have a scanner. Or else, I could just show those sketches here!) I read fashion articles. I got too obsessed and went scouting for universities in Paris and New York. DAmn. I had even mailed a real life fashion designer when I was about fourteen. Stupid. I didn't know I would really do such thing. Haha. Anyway, I ditched the idea of being a fashion designer. I knew I can never be one. I'm just too realistic. Besides, I hate a glamourous life.

After that, I had the thoughts of being an accountant. I reckoned it would be great as I'll be earning at least RM5k per month. Since I've always been good at numbers, I gave myself a try. Later, I realised I would need to look at numbers for the rest of my life. So, I didn't choose Account Studies in Form Six coz I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew I would get bored easily.

Until today, I never thought I would ever step into the business line. It's probably a twist of fate, or my life's just weird. I used to hate the Business Section in the local dailies but now, I can't stop myself from reading it. I've been like this since don't know when. Never thought I would be studying anything related to Science also, but I studied Physics and Basic Engineering in my previous semesters. Funny, isn't it?

Somehow, I've a feeling that everything is really predestined. Maybe, it might just be a personal belief. It's just fated. I never chose this University but I got an offer. I never wanted to do this major, but I was given a place. I never thought I would be drafting and drawing by using AutoCAD but somehow, that's what I'm doing now. Drawing or designing has been something I really liked when I was younger. I've always had interest in buildings, properties to be exact. And now, I could see a clearer picture why I'm in that University, studying something I've never heard about. I could actually link up all the things I have interest in. I could now draft and design the layout or floorplan of my own home (or any other properties) with my skills in AutoCAD. I could still get myself involved in properties and business. So, actually I'm not very far from what I've always dreamed of...hopefully.

If given a chance to turn back time, I might consider entering Science stream and could possibly further my tertiary education majoring in architecture. Haha. I could be an architect actually, but I chose a different path. I've always had too many big plans in my mind. After the first semester in University, I thought I chose the wrong path. I thought I'll never be able to change back to the right path. I regretted. I was very sad. Now, I think the roads I've chosen are linked, in a way because all the while, I knew what I wanted. I believe in one thing now. No matter how far I've strayed away from my plans, the vital point is having the faith in my own self. I may not be as successful or as rich as others, but the satisfaction is definitely there.

Damn. Have I talked too much here? I'm not even employed yet! Hah! Aihh...got too carried away already. Anyway, I'll publish some of the pics of the AutoCAD project I did previously in my next post. Stay tuned...

Where's the ball?

What? Today's the 8th of June already? Damn. The big thing is going to start in no time! I'm talking about the super-duper grand event that's only held once in every four years. It's FIFA World Cup 2006. There will be 32 teams competing for the cup.

Whoo... I watched my first ever World Cup match back in 1998. Hehe. See how time flies? Anyway, which team(s) are you supporting? Supporting any player(s)?? *Grins*

So, which team am I supporting? Hehe. I'm greedy and am supporting a few teams. Spain, Germany, Italy, France and maybe Netherlands. As for the players, I'm looking forward to see these men as I saw some of them playing previously. *Grins*

Spain: 1. Iker Casillas, 10. Jose Antonio Reyes, 7. Raul Gonzalez Blanco (Love this player since 1998! I even have his poster! HAha), Fernando Morientes (He's not playing? *sobs*) [Most Spanish players make the nose bleed! Hehehe]

Portugal: 7. Luis Figo (This old man is cool!), **can't remember the other players' names.

Germany: 3. Arne Friedrich, 13. Michael Ballack (All time favorite =P), 11. Miroslav Klose (He's very good in World Cup 2002)

Italy: 5. Fabio Cannavaro, 13. Alessandro Nesta, 10. Francesco Totti, 7. Alessandro Del Piero, 18. Filippo Inzaghi [Most Italian players make the nose bleed too! Keke...]

France: 16. Fabien Barthez, 20. David Trezeguet

England: 4. Steven Gerard, 10. Michael Owen

Netherlands: 1. Edwin Van Der Sar, Patrick Kluivert (He's not playing too?)

Sweden: 11. Henrik Larsson, 9. Freddie Ljungberg

Japan: 7. Hidetoshi Nakata, 17. Junichi Inamoto, 18. Shinji Ono, 13. Atsushi Yanagisawa (He looks so much better while playing!)

South Korea: 9. Ahn Jung Hwan

Brazil and Argentina: Some of the players. Can't remember their names.

Actually, there are more players to mention here but it seems that I can only remember some of them. Hehe. Anyway, I'll never miss any of Spain, Italy and Japan's matches as I didn't miss them previously. *Grins* DAmn. No matter how, Brazil is NOT going to win again. I'm sick of it.

Okie. Now get ready with all the food and drinks as the eyes shall be glued to the idiot box till you go blind the games end! What?! What dates? Who cares about the other men out there when these balls are so much better! Hahaha...

.....but then again. . .

WARNING! This is a long-winded post that could make you sleepy. Psst...it's also something stupid and personal. So, mind your own business and no running commentary please!

Some time ago, I said I'm not going to blog or mention about that bloke again. So, I didn't... but I realised each time when I come across the Business Section in local dailies or Business-related blogs, and IF I were to see his company's name, I would recall back on certain things.

I've always had interest in properties. Anything to do with buildings, particularly residential properties would surely grab my attention. Call it fate or blind coincidence, that bloke works with a wellknown property developer. So, each time I read on the company's latest launches, I would know he's currently working on those projects.

I thought everything was over but I was wrong. I was in KL with my cheemuis and we had a few plans in mind. Some were personal plans. HEh. On the second day, we went to 1Utama for shopping. I was worried that I might bump into him but it was impossible as we went there on a weekday. We had lunch at Chili's and the thoughts of him came back. I recalled what he told me about that restaurant. I felt like I was having lunch with him there...but I knew I was walking in my dreams. I ordered a special drink with a blend of Absolut Mandarin and a few other types to supply adequate alcohol to drown myself during the day time...but a glass wasn't enough. I went shopping in my dreams.

That night, we were supposed to go "there" to feed our eyes. That's the place where men who have all those qualities my friends and I would like to SEE would appear. That's the place where I met him last year. His office is just located a stone's throw away from where we first met. When my friends said they wanted to go there, I was scared. I didn't want to follow them. I said "no" millions of times. I had a bad feeling that it's just not right to go back to that place and reignite everything in the heart.

When we finally got into the car, the driver sped off and brought us to many interesting places, except "that" place. (NOTE: Mr.Driver was one of my cheemui's date. 27. HAha. He scored four out of ten. Now, that's clear enough why my friend isn't answering his calls anymore) Mr.Driver brought us to RakuZen at Bukit Bintang. I was happy with the food served at the quite classy and pricey Japanese restaurant, until the time when my attention was fully focused at a man sitting on the next table. Even Mr.Driver noticed my eyes were glued to a man sitting on the other side of the restaurant. He made all sorts of funny (stupid?) jokes to grab my attention but I just ignored him. I was more interested in the other one, sitting alone over there. I asked myself, "Is it that bloke? Looks like his brother..." And that question kept repeating itself the whole night when we were touring around the city in Mr.Driver's Wira.

I knew something wasn't right but I just kept quiet. Close friends who know me well would realise I'm not being myself if I'm suddenly too quiet. So, my cheemuis realised the sudden change in me, but they couldn't understand it. Mr.Driver brought us to many interesting places, almost everywhere except "that" place. It was fifteen minutes past twelve, when he suddenly remembered our plan. He wanted to bring us there but it was too late already. We decided to go back to the hotel. Once we reached our room, my friends asked, "Are you ok? Bad mood?"...then I realised.

After some time, my friends were fast asleep, leaving me "alone" in the darkness. I didn't want to think but I fell into the deep Pondering Well. I was in a bad mood not because Mr.Driver was irritating. It was because he promised to bring us "there" but he didn't. So, my heart was actually pumping so hard, itching to go "there", to see that place and maybe to catch a glimpse of him... but at the same time, my brain were making some kinda noises, making me scared of going "there". I didn't sleep well that night.

The next day, after a few hours of shopping (And thinking...haha) at Midvalley, we went back to hotel at 4pm. While having dinner, my cheemui received a surprising call from her ex, who's now her close friend. The 30-something years old man came all the way to our hotel with a friendly fatty friend and brought us out. My friend's ex looked slimmer compared to last year. Anyway, he brought us to Souled Out. A cool hangout place for the corporate people at an unexpected location. I saw the big company's building. I panicked. I knew I might see him there as the company's just a few hundred metres away.

I was scared. I've never thought of going anywhere near the place I met him but I was there. I was really afraid of meeting him. I kept asking myself, "What am I going to do if I were to see him here?"...but the next moment, I realised the truth. My eyes betrayed me, as I was actually searching frantically for him. The eyes were busy rolling from the left to the right, searching for that man. I was so confused at that time. "What's wrong with me?" I continued asking myself. Then I saw him. "OMG! He's really here?" My friends were talking to me but I was just like a deaf person with my eyes glueing at a man on another table. After a few minutes, I got a better view and knew it wasn't him. "He's much taller than that man." I reckoned. And I knew I wouldn't see him there also as it was a Thursday night. I was still thinking when Celine Dion's song was played. The chorus made me think even more...

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loveD me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loveD by you

It was relieving that he wasn't there but I wasn't happy either. Disappointment could be seen on my face. My friends saw the sudden change in me. They knew it. They asked, "What would you do if he was really there?" I just kept quiet. I had a few answers with me but I realised something which is very clear by then. I took a few sleepless nights to think and make a painful decision that left a scar in someone's heart.

I dreamt of him that day. Surprisingly, I recalled everything about him. His images, his face, his eyes. As I didn't want to wake up, the dream lasted the whole night, so to speak. When I woke up, I knew he only exists in dreamland but it doesn't matter anymore. The lady who stood beside him in my dream could be his current one. I'm happy for him if that's the truth. It means my prayers have been answered.

The other day, one of my cheemuis asked again, "Would you greet him if he was really there?" I smiled and answered, "I won't. Why should I do that?" She didn't understand why I chose that answer but I'm clear of everything now. If he was really there, he knew I wouldn't do that either. "Do you regret meeting him last year?" My curious cheemui asked again. "No. I used to regret it but not anymore. The outcome would still be the same unless I was born a few years earlier. Everything was predestined and I'm glad it happened. An experience with feelings I could never really describe."

Truly God sent.

Angel vs Devil

Lately, the angel and devil in me have been fighting, and it's damn tiring listening to both sides. The angelic and devilish things they say keep ringing in the ears. I just wish I could just click on a delete button to clear everything off the bloody brain.

"Congrats, bitch! You screwed up everything!" "You did the right thing! Don't be too self-centred!"

Well, I've been listening to those craps for the past few days and I'm guilty for all that. I know. I really screwed up everything. Can't say anything much either.

Excuses are just stupid. I can't believe I wrote out so many idiotic things in my previous posts. Well, some were not excuses but I reckon they just flowed out of the brain naturally. Better to put it this way. When problems take over, excuses come right after. Damn. I'm not spared from giving excuses! Bloody hell.

So, I really screwed up everything. And what's left now? One who lives forever in my dreams in the brain just to guide me towards my dreams (I wish I could say there's nothing more than that...), one who is someone that I could finally, comfortably talk to and the other one, who is still a friend I truly treasure. Love. Lust. Life. An "L" for each of them. Heh! Life's a bitch! Well, what about the rest? Ahh...who cares! I'm tired. Leave me alone.

What is your guy type?

Right. That's the question that You want to know the answer badly, and many other friends of mine would like to know. Yes, I'm talking about You now.

I didn't want to publicly blog on this but what you wrote there tells me I need to make it clear in here. Oh no. I woke up on the right side of the bed. So, don't worry, I'm not mad at you for making statements like that.

Don't you get what I said? You know I'm stubborn. So, what's the point of questioning the same issue again? Whatever my guy type is, it doesn't matter whether I get to be with him or not. Like I mentioned before, I'm not any younger. I need some kinda strength to keep me going, just to reach the ambitious dreams I've always had...and you knew some of those dreams of mine. Whoever comes along the way, blocking my path to realising those dreams, I would usually ignore or avoid that person.

Let's just put it in a much simpler way. If given two choices, and I must decide and choose ONE. Which do you think I would choose? Choice 1: A man who loves me more than I ever expected but he doesn't possess that kinda influence or strength I needed. In other words, he has different goals and mindset. Choice 2: My ambitious dreams...the future. Right. So, close friends who know my real character would know which option I'd choose. It's none other than Choice 2. If any man comes along the way and is also heading towards the same direction, then he's the one. It is as simple as that. If not, then forget it.

From the very first day, you knew I'm that kind of person. You know I'm an ambitious freak. So, why must you bring up the whole issue again? I know what I said hurts, and I'm sorry. I know you think it's stupid for me to keep thinking of someone who doesn't exist anymore or anyone I cannot be with. But, honestly speaking, I'm willingly doing that coz I know what my priorities in life are. And I definitely know it's stupid to keep falling into Dumpsville or keep getting hurt, but it's already a part of my life. I'm sort of immune to it. Numb already!

If you really need to know the other reasons to why things didn't work out besides the guy type issue, read back on the previous posts I wrote after my trip. I've never wanted to blog it out. Didn't mean to hurt you in this way but why must you bring up the whole issue again? Whatever it is, I'm really sorry. You were really nice and great, but it's a waste that we are not travelling on the same road...

The Road Not Taken

Just like what Robert Frost wrote here... (I'm not into literature, but just recalled this poem I studied when I was still schooling)

...and it got me thinking.

Each time you come to a junction, you make a decision. If you were to choose the road on your left, would you turn back to look and wonder what would happen if you had chosen the road on the right?

Which ever road we choose, whether it is long or short, narrow or wide, it would still be the same. There is no straight road without any threats on it. We endure challenges along the way, accompanied by blunders before we reach the end of the road. Whatever the conclusion may be, it all lies in our own hands. No matter how, there's always a way out at the end of the road...just as long as you have faith in yourself. You may not believe in anyone else, but the most important thing is, do you trust and believe in yourself?

To a dear friend, I don't know whether you're reading this or not but I hope what I write here helps. Think of what I told you. Do not give up on yourself. There's always a way out to all problems.

Oops. Do I sound like a grandmother now? Hehe.