Beee-Zeee weeks ahead

I'm getting busier and busier each day. With only about eight weeks or so left for this semester before the final exams start, it's really a tad suffocating. Well, I'm not complaining. Having to complete my FYP by week 13, another two big assignments, five workshops, and a few more exams crammed in these eight weeks can really make me become gila any time soon....but what could make me happier than to receive calls from prospective employers?

Haha. I attended an informal interview conducted by a big company the other day before CNY. Now, I'm just waiting for its second interview. While being occupied with piles of work, it's definitely great to receive yet another call for interview from another big company. Hehe. I know this sounds crazy as there is no sign of employment yet but come to think of it, this isn't really that bad for a final semester student huh?

Damn. I must admit that it really feels damn good to be wanted by prospective employers even before graduation. Hehe. Now, I really hope that everything goes on well just as planned.

Stepping stones...

It's been a while since I last talked about dreams. Just like anyone else, sometimes it is really difficult to keep the burning desires alive in you. Thanks to naysayers, peer pressures, family and personal obligations, unforeseen circumstances, etc. All the while, it feels as though there will always be something blocking your path, especially when you're trying so hard to relive your passion.

You possibly think too much for others until you've forgotten about your own self. You can never please everyone around you. Of course I can't be so self-centered and think for the benefit of my own self only but I guess I really need a balance in that sense. A win/win solution for every situation is definitely the ideal way to ensure a balance for myself and any other parties involved. Now that the passion is back again, I seriously want to pursue my dreams.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with small little steps. It may take years to reach the destination but the journey itself is just as important to develop who I'm going to be before I could finally reach there. The journey could be a bumpy ride, but with great enthusiasm, I know I could make it there. The destination is never limited to a certain place. It is all about the distance, the furthest you can go and also the effort you put in just to materialise those dreams. So it is best not to put a limit to your dreams. After all, knowledge is a lifelong thing. Learning just never stops even after getting a Degree.

It's great to relive the old passion and burning desires in me. Thank you, my friend (You know who you are). Just hope that by treading the same route, our journey would be a lot smoother. *Cheers* :)

Another side of girls...

You know, I noticed there's something funny about PMS and what it can do to harm your actual self. Erm, this is definitely referring to women only (or maybe just myself!).

A week or a few days before the visit of the Menstrual Witch, we would normally turned into a total emo freak with a different character (sometimes won't happen lah!). You might or could just do things that you usually won't do! So once the Tai Yee Ma came, you would suddenly feel as though you just woke up from a dream. Possibly a bad one. You changed back into your actual self, and could possibly be shocked and might also be laughing your ass out thinking that it was so stupid of you to do something like that during the PMS time. Now I still don't understand why I SMS-ed him the other day. See? I was actually blogging with another personality - the ever whining bitch! Haha.

Anyway, being back to my actual self is definitely much better but there was a problem. All these years, I've never been worried about the supply of pads. Now that the much dreaded Auntie Menopause has greeted Mum for quite some time already, it's been so troublesome that each time I'm back at home, I have to remember to buy this very important thing! This time, I never expected the Monthly Auntie to visit so early. Damn. How could I forget to buy something so important??? Gahhh....

Blame it on PMS!

Everyone's still on CNY mood but I'm here, kinda affected by the bloody PMS. At one moment, I could be laughing for no reason. The next minute, I would feel like shit. Bleh. I just hope that whatever in the brain now is merely the side effects of PMS and nothing else.

As I was listening to Mariah Carey's songs, I realised that I've been thinking of him for days. Some of her songs really remind me of him. I don't know why but I'm definitely blaming it on the coming of the Menstrual Witch. You know, we girls always love to talk so much about our guy type, and brag to whoever she's dating that he's not her type. Honestly, (tell you a secret lah!) we girls (or maybe just yours truly) are often clear that Mr. Prince Charming doesn't exist. Even if he does, he's either taken or born with mutated genes! So, the point is...we often complain too much when the one next to us is somewhat good enough. Well, it's important for guys to know something simple and common in most girls. Don't take what we girls say too seriously coz it could turn out to be the total opposite, but not all the time though.

Sometimes, I really find it funny that we often think of and misses a person more even though he or she was the one who hurt us most. You hate him so much that you almost killed him, yet you can't stop yourself from getting the latest news about him. Anything you hear from him would make you feel a tad better. You know, it sounds stupid that... at times, we know we're going to get hurt again, but we still want to travel down that road. Stupid and blind.

Before writing this, I was contemplating whether I should SMS him or not. Well, it's not that we have totally lost touch as we still chat on MSN and also on the phone occasionally but it feels weird to message him for no reason. I drafted a stupid message of "Hello, how is your CNY celebration?....." that sort of message but it took me more than three hours later to send him. I really don't know why it took me so long to send a simple message. And there was no instant reply. *A tad disappointed* Hmm...I hate to think of this and definitely would never admit that it was a big mistake to put an end to everything between us but why did I think of so many things all of a sudden?

I drove past his neighbourhood this afternoon after spending a few hours at Queensbay with Grandma and my parents. I was so tempted to drive straight to his house but I just can't. I don't have the guts to do it. Besides, I still can't visit anyone, not until the 49th day of grandpa's death. Seriously, I was hoping to bump into him when I was at the shopping mall. I was expecting a message or a call from him when someone else called/sent a SMS. Damn, I was really like that previously when we first acquainted. Now it seems like a vicious cycle. Gee, am I going through all these intense rewind-back of memories because I still haven't fully deleted him off the heart or is it merely because of the bloody PMS? Gahh...

This is so confusing. When he replied the message I sent earlier, I was really smiling away, like a little girl who just got her tiny wish granted. Damn, I am dead. It's really a bad sign. I always believe that there should never be a U-turn after some big decisions are made but will this one be an exception? I hate to admit that I really felt better after his call. Oops. Now I just hope that I'm acting this way merely because of the bloody PMS thingy and not because of some hidden extraordinary flames in the heart towards him.

~~~
...
Living without you
Living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you
Wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you with the open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am with the open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms

-Mariah Carey-
~~~~

Certain things you shouldn't say or ask me before and during CNY

Before CNY:

1) Have you bought CNY clothes? (Five friends asked me this question today! Gahh...) (Duhh... I don't need to buy new clothes just for the sake of CNY. Do you only buy clothes once a year?)

2) How did you celebrate Valentine's Day? (Ask me again if you're giving me a bouquet of white lily and chocs. Nuff' said.)

3) Can I go to your house for CNY? (Obviously no unless you want to be "suey" for the next 316 days of 2007)


During CNY:

1) When are you getting married / Where is your partner? (The older generations just love to ask this question. This year, my answer for this question would be, I'm having a problem in selecting which candidate to bring back home)

2) How did you celebrate you # day of CNY? (Nothing much. Just eat, sleep and shit. The three things I don't get to enjoy much when I'm at Uni.)

3) Ehhh...what's that on your face? Very stressful to be in final year huh? / Lots of nice food in Uni huh? You look prosperous! / What happened to your hair? (Please include any other lame questions here.)

4) I received a total of RM500 on the first day of CNY. How many red packets did you get so far? (This is obviously another stoooopid question. Is there a need to compare? Well, of course there is a big need to compare if you were really that immature. Sigh.)

Will update again if I could think of any other things I don't want to hear. Ciao.

**Oops. I've forgotten something very important. Here's wishing all of you (if there's anyone reading this blog!) a very Happy Chinese New Year. May the year of the boar brings you lots of luck, happiness, health, wealth, love and everything else!

Gong Xi Fa Cai. Kung Hey Fatt Choy. Keong Hee Huat Chai. Selamat Tahun Baru Cina. Happy Chinese New Year. :)

Privacy intrusion

It was surprising to receive chocolates on V-day as I had expected a quiet, boring and tiring day...but it was absolutely shocking to receive it from the wrong person. I mean, it's very nice of him to put in so much of effort to buy the chocs and gathered enough guts to pass it to me (not to mention his tiny drops of sweat on the forehead and his itchy right hand trying to hold my left hand) but no thank you, really. I would appreciate it if he acted cool and nothing happened. No chocs, nothing! Then it would be much better.

So what my radar detected was true, which is definitely a bad sign. I mean, I like his company and am thankful that he has helped a lot at Uni but oh please.....why of all person, must he be interested in me? Gahhh! Firstly, it's just impossible and it's a waste of time. Read carefully: I may be single but I'm not available at the moment. I'm neither seeking nor waiting for anyone. Just too busy to even take a breather. Don't even have the time to eat, sleep or even shit, let alone date anyone. Secondly, I damn hate people who cross the line and intrude into portions of my life that are regarded as very personal things - I just hate privacy intrusion. So if you're one, you're totally out!

After he gave me the chocs, he asked who would I be celebrating the over-commercialized day with. I just said, "A friend", assuming that he knew I don't want him to ask further. Furthermore, it was just a dinner and not a celebration either. He continued, "Guy ah?" I kept quiet. He asked, "Ex-schoolmate?" I said, "No....a friend" and just acted dumb when he mumbled something. That was still okay until the time he SMS-ed me.

It was 12am, and he asked, "How was the celebration?" I didn't reply. And the next day, he SMS-ed again, asking whether it was a grand celebration and all that. That was obviously a stupid question. Whether it was fun or not, exciting or whatever, mind you, should I be reporting or telling my personal things to him?? I mean, if I were to answer him, what was my reply supposed to be? "Ohh...I suddenly decided to be a lesbian and while having dinner with my close friend, we decided to hug each other??" (This answer would only lead him to an empty hope that he stands a chance, which is highly impossible but will surely pose a bigger problem to yours truly!) (Disclaimer: I'm NOT a lesbian. Hehe) Duhh... he obviously doesn't know me much. I repeat again. I hate privacy intrusion. For goodness' sake, stop asking stupid questions. Just mind your own business and don't be over kaypo!

I know it's very rude of me to say such a thing since that he was so *cough* sweet to give me something on V-day but sorry lah, I damn bloody hate privacy intruders. So I'm expected to be this harsh. Bleh.

Everyone who knows me (at Uni) knows that I already have a "bf" and it's obvious that yours truly is not available anymore. What on earth is wrong with this guy? Damn. Now I have a real big problem. I'm afraid of going back to Uni to see this course mate again. What else is he going to do after this? Gosh!

A piece of bad news just before CNY…

10.14pm

I was busy doing my assignment when Mum called. I spoke to her over the phone the night before and it was very unusual of her to call again just for our usual girl talk. So I suspected bad news, but I didn’t expect it to be that one.

“I’ve got a piece of bad news. No CNY celebration again this year. Grandpa passed away just now at 9.10pm…” Mum said in between tears and there was absolute silence after that.

I was expecting Mum to say other bad news, like my request to visit her workplace for my final year project was not approved, or she threw my beloved dog teddy bear into the washing machine and it “died”, or she broke my earrings, or found this blog…just anything else except anything about grandpa or anyone in the family.

I really don’t know what to do now. Can’t even concentrate on my assignment.

I asked Mum what happened and she said he fell down yesterday and today (7th February). Mum wasn’t there with him during his final moments. He fell down in the bathroom and my youngest uncle was there. Grandpa just hugged him, sigh….and left us.

I feel so bad that I couldn’t even fulfill grandpa’s simple last wish weeks before his demise. All he wanted was to take a family photo with all of us; his wife, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren during my cousin sister’s wedding but I wasn’t there. I couldn’t attend her wedding as I was in Uni. Ahhh…I should have left everything behind to attend the wedding. At least I could see him and fulfill his last wish.

Now, it’s worse. I can’t even see him for the last time. I can’t go back this week as I have tests, assignments and workshops! Ahhhh…damn! I feel so bad… The last time I saw him was months ago….

Even though I’m not really close to my maternal grandfather or my extended family, he’s the only grandfather I have after the demise of my paternal grandfather in 2005. Oh God! I feel so terrible that I’m over here in the jungle and not there with my family members in times like this. It breaks my heart to hear Mum crying over the phone. I wish I could help to do something for grandpa and the family but looks like I have to face the bad news alone here.

…Seriously, I don’t even mind if I had to endure many bad days just like what I went through the other day or cut my life shorter or get unwanted breakouts, anything...just as long as my family members are safe and healthy…but on second thought, I know grandpa has gone to a place which is far better for him coz he’s not suffering anymore. I’m sure he’s in good hands now.

10.30am

**I wish to go back to pay my last respect. Just hope that I could reschedule my UBS workshop to Saturday. *Prays*

5.30pm

***I'm back to Penang but I'm going back to the jungle tomorrow....Damn tiring...

Waking up on the right side

It's always good to wake up on the right side of my bed. I heard you asking why. Well, it's simple. Every morning, when I wake up, open my eyes and greeted by this.....

...this cute Moo Moo will definitely make my day. :)

Damn. I'm busy again. Gtg. Ciao.

The dark valley

I often find myself a complicated person but after encountering certain people, heard some stories and seen several real-life “dramas”, I began to realize that I could actually be quite a simple person, albeit still a tad complicated. Nahh…I’m not self-praising here, you need not look at me like that!

Having seen, heard and gone through quite a lot of things over the months and years, I started asking myself silly questions of whether I would be a victim of such circumstances. I would obviously be fooling myself if I said no. Of course I could still fill myself with lots of faith but what about the people around me (I’m not referring to my family), e.g. the society? Honestly speaking, it’s really quite saddening to declare that I’ve probably seen, heard and experienced (maybe not much of experience lah!) too much until I find it difficult to comprehend two words, trustworthy and faithfulness.

These days, I really find it hard to see those two words in people around me, especially people of the opposite gender. Of course, there are exceptions to what I mentioned but there are obviously too many people who have fallen into the dark valley. I’m not being judgmental or simply assuming things but the current mindset has really gone to the extent of - with just a few spoilt apples in a basket, the whole basket would be thrown away.

All the while, I take this issue very lightly but as I grow older, I don’t know why I’ve become quite sensitive to it. Well, it makes sense that no sane person would want to fall victims to such circumstances but the only certain thing in life is uncertainty. Uncertainty gives no assurance to any form of worries or questions but no matter how, we still need to digest the horrible truth of the things around us. Ugly isn’t it? Whether one is naïve or not, aware or ignorant, smart or acting dumb, for goodness’ sake, we still need to be realistic!

With all that, I reckon I might have unknowingly established a self-defensive technique, with a big shell to prevent myself from getting into any untoward problems for quite some time now. In a way, it’s good as I could focus on other much more important things. Well, you may say that avoiding won’t help but I guess I’m just not ready to even join the other spectators in such games yet. I’ve got much better things to do than to ponder over the neverending issue and also the ever worrying two words – trustworthy and faithfulness. Maybe, just maybe one day I will find the two words in someone. (See? I have faith!) Even if I don’t, I won’t die lah! (I’m just being realistic, mind you!) I’ve got way too many things to do than to worry about that!

Don’t ever tell me that I’ve been thinking too much coz this issue has been lurking around ever since I learned to talk! It’s either you’re too ignorant or naïve to realize its existence. Heh.

Bad day, bad luck

Today's the worst day I've ever had since the first day of 2007. Four words to describe the things happened to me from morning till now. Bad day, Bad luck!

It all started when I walked to my faculty for a discussion with my group members. It was about 11am when I suddenly realised that I'm actually a quite clumsy girl. I fell down, again! (This is the third or fourth time since I entered Uni! Ahhhh!!) This time, it's not the fault of a staircase or potholes but thanks to the huge rock there! Gahh...

I thought I was just clumsy but no...it's not about that. It's just that today's a real bad day for me. After a short discussion, a group member noticed that my bag was wet. I opened my bag, only to find it flooded. Thanks to my water bottle. Everything was soaked wet, my wallet, umbrella, bread, everything! Thankfully the Ipod and hp are still functioning well.

The bad luck didn't just stop there. I spent more than an hour just to wait for a lecturer, who had forgotten with the appointment I made. I didn't even have the time to go for lunch. Then, I realised my thumb drive got infected with virus again. Next, I had to restart this computer I'm using at the lab now for more than five times before I could finally log on the internet. Not only that, the bloody computer automatically shut down for a few times before I could finally use it. Ahhhh....

Guess it's time to go back to my room before more bad things happen! Ciao.

. . .

You know, at times I do wonder whether is it really so good to be different as compared to the others around me. I'm not complaining nor am I disatisfied with myself. It's just that, at times everything around us can be so confusing.

We're often aware of the ugly realities of life, but we choose to shut our ears and stay in the comfort of self-denial, sometimes just by being naive or acting dumb, thinking that we won't be a part of the ugliness...but no matter how much I ignore it, I still can't stop myself from seeing or even hearing about the ugly sides of life. I know I can't run away from the ugliness around me but one seriously need a big strength and faith to continue life while being surrounded by such things.

Greed and temptation are indeed man's two worst weaknesses. I'm truly ashamed that another friend of mine gave in to those weaknesses and joined many other bastards in honour. Even though it has nothing to do with me, I somehow feel that what he told me has indeed affected my mood. The world can sometimes be an ugly and dirty place. I do not wish to be reminded on that. All the things I've heard, seen and experienced over the months and years can truly justify what I just said. It is indeed an ugly place. I probably need shades to cover my eyes from seeing more. I'm getting sick and tired with all that. Enough is enough.

Updates

I have lots of things to blog about but I was too busy for the past two weeks and I am still as busy as ever. Gahh. Anyway, just a release for the gazillion things in my rojak-ed brain, I seriously need to blog...erm, maybe just a few sentences for each topic.

***

Family support has always been the instant booster to one's mood. I'm glad Mum is actually encouraging me to go "there" and work. Well, Mum being Mum, I know she'll probably change her mind again, but for now, I'm happy to hear what she just said. :)

***

I guess it runs in the family blood because I hate apple polishers too. I despise people who would lick balls just for the sake of getting a moronic lecturer's attention in order to get a better grade in class. Ohh...losers are aplenty!

***

A male course mate who is a quite good friend of mine at Uni is showing some signs. Damn. I hate it when my radar detects anyone at unwanted times. I mean, I enjoy his company and am thankful that he has helped a lot but friends being friends, he's just not what I'm looking for. In fact, I'm not looking for anyone at the moment...so how do I show that I'm not interested? Gahhh....I hate this. I don't want to spoil our friendship!

***

I fell in love with a condo unit. I'm dead! Long-term commitment with a bank might start real soon!! Ahhh... *wakes up from dream* Alright! One day of day-dreaming is good enough. It is way too expensive. I can't afford it yet...will definitely buy one soon but not at this moment. *sobs*

***

My supervisor has approved my final year project's proposal. Phew. Now the report itself will get me too occupied until I won't have much time left to eat, sleep or even shit!

***

Time is passing at a fast-forwarded speed. It's the fourth week of my final semester now. Part of me is excited with the idea of ending my student life to join the workforce. Another side of me feels a little sad that I'm going to leave the jungle, (Gosh! I'm actually a bit fond of Uni already. Can't blame me coz I've been there since 2004!) and also my friends. Hmm...mixed feelings.

I think I better stop here before I continue yakking on other inane stuffs. Ciao.