Sunday, June 25, 2006

Self-destruction??

The question "How much do you know about me?" got me thinking. I pondered upon this yesterday and realised something. I've actually taken a 180 degrees turn within a year's time into who I am now. It isn't merely physical changes, but it's more on the mentality or mindset. I found this side of myself when I least expect it to happen. I've never thought of myself as someone like that actually. Sometimes, it's just freaking scary to see myself in the mirror as the reflection of my inner self is just like a total stranger to me.

I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but it isn't a good news either. I've since grown to see things differently, from multiple angles. I've since learnt a lot about my own self too. But, there's just something that is bugging me. Is the past really a catalyst to who I am now? If it is, then I'm surely a sucker who doesn't know how to handle her problems. Well, I'm not blaming my past but it really feels as though I'm self-destructing myself, not to the extent of committing suicide of course! (That's just plain stupid.) A simple example would be a person who drowns himself with adequate alcohol supply just to take a step out of reality. Or maybe a few more examples: A person who suddenly becomes a drug addict or sex addict, bulimic or anorexic, whatever.

Well, I'm not an alcohol-obsessed bitch yet but I guess I've since changed into a different person due to certain things in the past. It's not about yours truly floundering in self-pity but I was wondering, will I ever be like this if all those things didn't happen? Erm, I wouldn't elaborate much on the self-destruction term here, but I think I am really in such a situation. Perhaps, it's just a simple answer. Yours truly have sort of lost faith in the peeps around her...maybe.

So, is the past really a catalyst to who we are today? If it is, then what about the other useless idiots who were born with a silver spoon in the mouth, or those who have never felt hurt before, or just any plain morons? Hah! Maybe, that's the answer to why this whole planet is full of useless pieces of shit who effortlessly fart in his and her comfort zone. No wonder there are so many immature retards out there. Erm, I guess the only good thing about the past being a stimulant to who I am today is I am way better than the other cows out there, who probably know nothing! So, am I actually self-destructing myself? Hmm...


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