Haunted by a shadow...

Ever been in a situation where you continuously offer help to someone you regard as a friend, but in the end, that so-called friend “bites” you back just like a sneaky snake???

I think it’s about time I become a little more self-centered. I mentioned about this person before but on a second thought, I didn’t publish the long-winded post regarding her. I reckoned it was cruel to mistreat or despise someone who comes from a small village without much exposure to the harsh realities of life. I admit that I was “too much” in the way I treated her back in sem one. After some time, I changed and gave her some space to learn. I helped and taught her many things. I told her some of my ugly experiences with so-called friends. I did many things like one would normally do to a friend but in the end, I feel hurt and tired. I’m not asking for favors in return. In fact, I always help without expecting any kind of benefits from her.

Being an aggressive or rather a person who is fast in doing everything, it was really difficult to get along with a “slow” person like her. I usually need to explain something for more than three times before she could finally comprehend less than 50% of things I said. Doesn’t matter. I tolerated her. She’s forever dreaming, even when attending classes. So, it’s pointless to turn to her for notes, as she would usually copy mine. Doesn’t matter. I’m willing to help as much as I could since that she often complains about her poor command in English. And because of that, she clings to me all the time. Well, that’s just because anyone who joins my group to do assignments would have high hopes of getting good grades. It’s not about self-praising here but it’s just because these useless undergraduates believe that I have a higher proficiency in languages (oh really?) and they would be able to depend on me for assignments and presentations.

So, ever since the first semester till now, Miss Shadow clings to me like my own baby. She doesn’t have any ideas and is often the one to screw up everyone’s morale when it comes to presentations. She would hold your hands tightly with her sweating palms and keep repeating, “I’m so scared! I’m so scared!” for millions of times. Annoying huh?? Well, there’s more about her. She talks unnecessarily. At times, when your mood is not good and you just don’t feel like talking, she talks nonsense. It’s just too bad that Miss Shadow couldn’t read facial expressions. She yaks about the poor quality of water or the disrupted water supply early in the morning. She brags about the food she had last night together with her dear roommate. She asks weird questions like, “Ehhh…new pants/ earrings/ shoes/ underwear etc.???” or tells me something I need not know, “Ehh…that’s your roommate right?” “Ehh…your friend la!” “Ehh…you saw the lecturer?” “Ehh…you pangsai already??” Ok, she didn’t say the last one but you get the idea. Besides all the inane things, she has no other topics to talk about. She knows nothing about politics, music, movies, cars, health or human body, psychology, moneymaking strategies, job opportunities, latest fashion, men, make-up or beauty tips, the birds and the bees, etc. So, it could be VERY boring when she’s around. I couldn’t talk about guys (she doesn't like to look at guys!! Weird huh?), let alone dirty jokes or any sexual issues that appear as a taboo to her. I couldn’t talk on anything I’d like to talk about coz she won’t be able to understand and in the end; I’d need to explain every single thing to her all over again.

After some time, my patience and tolerance level grew and everything went on smoothly. So, put her awkward attitude and ignorance aside as I could still accept her weirdness. Just another question to ask, if you get yourself in a hot soup or your plans ruined because of helping a person, would you continue to offer assistance??? I know it’s difficult for her to follow a person like me, who never fails to plan and organize things. Maybe, it’s just because I think too much, more than an average person at my age does.

Recently, she screwed up my plans and I almost got stranded in the jungle. She made last minute changes to our schedule and everything went haywire. I bought tickets to go back at 5.15pm but our last class of the day is until 6.30pm. I got so mad that I totally ignored her. Partly, it was my fault for trusting her and my negligence for not checking the schedule before the add-drop week (the week when my uni allows the students to add and drop subjects according to their own preference of time) ends. I would have checked the timetable if I wasn’t sick. During the add-drop week itself, we changed our schedule more than three times! Thanks to her indecisiveness.

She’s always scared of “killer” lecturers, which I think is a stupid thing to worry about. You could choose the lecturers now but will you be able to select your boss or superior according to your own preference next time?? No. And I just don’t know what’s in her brain! She kept bugging me to change subjects and since I was sick, I gave in to her choices. I thought I could trust her. So, I didn’t check the schedule and to my worst nightmare ever since I entered this place, I have FIVE classes on Mondays and Wednesdays and only ONE class on Sundays (Poor thing…everyone here works and studies on Sundays) and Tuesdays. How the hell am I going to absorb so many things in a day??? After all, these are all the difficult subjects that can never be studied just by memorizing or reading the books. I was ignited and I felt like a hot burning furnace. She didn’t dare to say anything when she realized it was her mistake. I just said, “Congrats! Looks like we’ll be getting beautiful low grades this sem!” After a few minutes, she’s back to her self. She asked whether I wanted to join her for a stroll at the night market. (We have pasar malam or night market here in the jungle on every Sunday)

Oh there’s another thing about her. I helped her so much, treated her like a real friend but she’s the jealous type. When she came to Penang and stayed at my small apartment unit, my parents treated her like their own daughter. Dad bought her clothes and some Penang delicacies to bring back to her hometown. I’m not saying that she must listen to me just because my family and I treated her like a family member. I just don’t understand. Why must she be jealous of my grades when she’s doing well in her studies??? And because of her jealousy, she keeps all the extra notes or tips she gets from the seniors or lecturers to herself. Will you be angry if that someone that you’ve been helping, in terms of doing all the bloody assignments, treats you like shit and some more gets higher grades than you in certain subjects??? I’m neither jealous nor complaining about the results. I’m not born smart and I believe if one works hard, he or she is able to succeed. There’s once when she contributed almost nothing to the assignments but did well in the exams. She came to me and excitedly said, “Ahhh….I get higher than you wor! How come ar??” So, you tell me…how the hell am I going to tolerate a person like this?? I always remind myself that I should somehow understand her upbringing, her background or whatsoever and should try to help her. Isn’t it stupid to continue helping someone who destroys your entire plan, uses you to accomplish things, etc.?? I don’t know what else I could do to continue tolerating her. I’ve always been a good listener whenever she needs someone to talk to. When I encountered a big trouble in sem 2, I confided in her. I told her my problems and thought she could help but all she said was, “Oh sorry lar, I’ve never experienced that before. Don’t know how to help or what to say.” Do we really need to experience certain things before we could offer humble advice or words of comfort to someone??? *sheesh*

I’ve had enough. It’s not a solid reason for one to mistreat and use others if she’s naïve, slow and not observant, ignorant and innocent, has less exposure in life, comes from a small village, etc. Think it’s about time I leave her and let her be independent. I could help her all the time, but who’s going to assist her when she leaves the uni?? She told me recently that she plans to follow me and work in Penang. When I mentioned KL and Singapore, she said the same thing. I wonder whether she would follow me if I had plans of moving to another planet! Firstly, I want to make it clear that I don’t like copycats or any shadows following me in the things I do. So, it’s rather impossible for her to cling to me forever. I don’t want a shadow to appear when I’m with someone next time. Secondly, I don’t want her to ruin my plans again. I have many other things in mind to consider and ponder upon. If she thinks that all my plans are plain crap, then just leave me alone. (She criticized my obsession of graduating when we first knew each other. Ehh hello! If you’re not obsessed with the idea of graduation then why don’t you stay here, and be a student forever??? What’s the point of studying in a university if you’re not looking forward to the big day called convocation???). I don’t need anyone’s approval to carry out the plans I have in mind. She should be thankful that I’ve guided her in coming up with alternative plans for the blur future.

So, I’ve thought about it and made up my mind. I’ve decided to take a big plunge and change my lifestyle the next sem. I’m planning to move to another hostel at another end of the jungle to join Mickey, who has been transferred there in the previous sem. (Miss Shadow stays at the same hostel too and my decision has nothing to do with my roommate actually.) Even if Mickey’s not there, I won’t die of being alone as I could always find new friends. If there aren’t any new friends to make, I won’t die too coz I’m used to the lifestyle of an independent person who depends solely on herself to survive. But, Miss Shadow will die of loneliness if she doesn’t have friends or people to cling to. (She’s very much like a parasite huh?? Hmm…) Hopefully, Miss Shadow will be able to learn from her mistakes and repent, grow up, think maturely and most importantly be independent. It’s time for her to take care of her own rice bowl rather than getting food from my bowl!

Heh? OMG….this post is sooooo damn long!!! Think I better stop here…hehe! I'm a real complain queen huh?? Keke...What do you expect?? I could only rant here as I don't walk around and complain everything to everyone I meet! Ahhh...this post is way too long already! Bleh...I'm off! Ciao.