This is something very personal. Buzz off if you're not supposed to be here!
It's been months now since I told her. Each time she mistreats me, I have an excuse for her. I'd convince myself that MAYBE she's suffering from menopausal symptoms (yes, I think she's really suffering from it...but that's another story altogether!) Sometimes, I would also lie to myself that maybe that woman practises favouritism. She prefers her boy. Doesn't matter. She doesn't really care much about my studies or anything else when I was younger (that's why I studied hard to get back her attention...old story =/), but we'll just put that aside first. I'm not complaining or being jealous. I'm all grown up now and I don't need any attention or TLC from her anymore...but there's something I don't understand.
At times, I blame myself for being too sensitive. I thought, the culprit behind all these arguments and the great gap between the both of us were the childhood memories, and also nightmares. I've even had the thought of being an adopted child...but I know that was just insane. As I grew older, I began to realize that all those foolish thoughts were a sign of immaturity. I thought communication would patch up all the distance between me and her, and that we would be able to bond. I trusted her and told her something I shouldn't. Until today, she's still thinking of it, in a negative way. *sigh*
She has been finding fault with me for the past few months...in fact, ever since I told her about the change in me, the new faith I found. Each time, when there's nothing to talk about, she would bring up weird questions. Just now, she asked again. "You haven't prayed or even held any joss sticks for quite some time." I kept quiet. She continued, "Are you a Christian now?"
I was shocked with her question. I said no...but in fact, I wanted to say not yet. Somehow, I didn't tell her my exact answer. I just said no as I didn't want to create anymore conflicts or arguments. I thought to myself for a moment. What's the difference if I were to listen to her words and held joss sticks? It would still be useless as there won't be any prayers following the burning incense. I'm just numb to all that.
Previously, there's once when I retaliated to what she said. I asked, "Are you trying to prove something or to compensate me with a sudden attention that you didn't give me last time?" We argued and didn't talk to each other for a few days, and that was some time at the beginning of this year. Seriously, I don't understand her at all. I secretly envy other girls' mothers. I've even reminded myself millions of times that I will never, ever treat my own daughter that way. Seriously, I don't know what else I could do besides blogging. Sometimes, it's really difficult to say it out, let alone find the right one to talk to regarding this. As I'm typing here, tears are already flowing freely. Damn. I hate to be like this.
I just don't get it. Why is it so hard for her and the rest at home to understand? I've already tried my best. What else am I supposed to do? I've already strayed too far away from that Someone up there. If I didn't consider their feelings, I would have entered His Kingdom last year! If I did, I would have to "leave" everything, including them, the three most important people in my life that I love and am willing to die for.
It hurts most when she started discriminating the faith just because I'm into it. Previously, she wasn't like this. I have to admit that I really hate her questions and the way she sees things. I'm always trying my best to avoid her questions, to prevent further arguments, but she has not even put in any effort to maintain the family's comfort stage. Currently, I still don't know whether the head of the family knows about my belief, but I'm really trying to delay things. He's not ready to know anything yet.
Actually, it doesn't matter at all when she and the other two say bad things about this faith as those things uttered would fall on deaf ears. I ignored her words when she said people of this faith are good at brainwashing or influencing. Never mind. I am 100% sure I am NOT influenced as everything came naturally! Other than that, what else could I do? How long can I go on like that? I don't know. I'm just relying on the Promises by that Someone up there through the Big Book. I just hope that she knows I've already tried my best to please her and the other two at home. In fact, I'm really tired. I mean, can't she see that I'm happy because I've found peace in my own self? I just need her to trust and respect me....but somehow, she can't. Now, I know why I'm not really that close to her even though some say we are like sisters or friends.
Please. I'm old enough to know what I'm doing. Can you please respect my decision? Why can't you trust and support me? Is that too much to ask for??
It's been months now since I told her. Each time she mistreats me, I have an excuse for her. I'd convince myself that MAYBE she's suffering from menopausal symptoms (yes, I think she's really suffering from it...but that's another story altogether!) Sometimes, I would also lie to myself that maybe that woman practises favouritism. She prefers her boy. Doesn't matter. She doesn't really care much about my studies or anything else when I was younger (that's why I studied hard to get back her attention...old story =/), but we'll just put that aside first. I'm not complaining or being jealous. I'm all grown up now and I don't need any attention or TLC from her anymore...but there's something I don't understand.
At times, I blame myself for being too sensitive. I thought, the culprit behind all these arguments and the great gap between the both of us were the childhood memories, and also nightmares. I've even had the thought of being an adopted child...but I know that was just insane. As I grew older, I began to realize that all those foolish thoughts were a sign of immaturity. I thought communication would patch up all the distance between me and her, and that we would be able to bond. I trusted her and told her something I shouldn't. Until today, she's still thinking of it, in a negative way. *sigh*
She has been finding fault with me for the past few months...in fact, ever since I told her about the change in me, the new faith I found. Each time, when there's nothing to talk about, she would bring up weird questions. Just now, she asked again. "You haven't prayed or even held any joss sticks for quite some time." I kept quiet. She continued, "Are you a Christian now?"
I was shocked with her question. I said no...but in fact, I wanted to say not yet. Somehow, I didn't tell her my exact answer. I just said no as I didn't want to create anymore conflicts or arguments. I thought to myself for a moment. What's the difference if I were to listen to her words and held joss sticks? It would still be useless as there won't be any prayers following the burning incense. I'm just numb to all that.
Previously, there's once when I retaliated to what she said. I asked, "Are you trying to prove something or to compensate me with a sudden attention that you didn't give me last time?" We argued and didn't talk to each other for a few days, and that was some time at the beginning of this year. Seriously, I don't understand her at all. I secretly envy other girls' mothers. I've even reminded myself millions of times that I will never, ever treat my own daughter that way. Seriously, I don't know what else I could do besides blogging. Sometimes, it's really difficult to say it out, let alone find the right one to talk to regarding this. As I'm typing here, tears are already flowing freely. Damn. I hate to be like this.
I just don't get it. Why is it so hard for her and the rest at home to understand? I've already tried my best. What else am I supposed to do? I've already strayed too far away from that Someone up there. If I didn't consider their feelings, I would have entered His Kingdom last year! If I did, I would have to "leave" everything, including them, the three most important people in my life that I love and am willing to die for.
It hurts most when she started discriminating the faith just because I'm into it. Previously, she wasn't like this. I have to admit that I really hate her questions and the way she sees things. I'm always trying my best to avoid her questions, to prevent further arguments, but she has not even put in any effort to maintain the family's comfort stage. Currently, I still don't know whether the head of the family knows about my belief, but I'm really trying to delay things. He's not ready to know anything yet.
Actually, it doesn't matter at all when she and the other two say bad things about this faith as those things uttered would fall on deaf ears. I ignored her words when she said people of this faith are good at brainwashing or influencing. Never mind. I am 100% sure I am NOT influenced as everything came naturally! Other than that, what else could I do? How long can I go on like that? I don't know. I'm just relying on the Promises by that Someone up there through the Big Book. I just hope that she knows I've already tried my best to please her and the other two at home. In fact, I'm really tired. I mean, can't she see that I'm happy because I've found peace in my own self? I just need her to trust and respect me....but somehow, she can't. Now, I know why I'm not really that close to her even though some say we are like sisters or friends.
Please. I'm old enough to know what I'm doing. Can you please respect my decision? Why can't you trust and support me? Is that too much to ask for??
