.More Things I Realised. And More On The Trip.

I've just realised more things about myself...and I just feel like blogging it out. So, here goes. This is a continuation from the previous post.

# I don't go after things I can't get. That includes men. I don't go after men who can't stay by my side. (NOTE: I am not going after or waiting for him anymore. Don't be fooled by the words in here.) Experience tells it all. People say it's called realistic. I know I'm being one. Or else, I wouldn't have decided on so many things. (NOTE: Going after a person and thinking of a person are two different things. Get what I mean now?)

# I realised I appreciate friendships more than anything else. Most of those I've dated and even the previous ones are still my friends, except that bloke and a few others. Doesn't matter.

# I'm always afraid of my own mouth coz I tend to say the wrong things at the wrong time. I'm afraid of hurting people I truly treasure.

# I realised I kept too many things to myself, at times. Nobody actually knows my true self if I don't want them to. Never judge me just by reading this blog.

# I still like kids...but if one is unable of taking care and provide for herself, why bring the child to the world and see him suffer? (Duhh! I am NOT pregnant. I thought of this when I saw beggar kids somewhere recently...)

# I realised I don't like to be reminded on certain things. If your opinions are totally against my ambitious dreams, then it's better for you to keep those two cents to yourself and shit it out in the toilet bowl! Don't tell me I can't do this and that coz I WILL prove it to you. Never challenge me.

# Don't tell me money is not important. I know it's not everything but it is something essential in our lives. It is important to me coz I don't want my parents and my own family or kids to suffer next time. Would you like to see them without enough food supply some time in the future? Think again.

# I don't like to rely on others. Being dependent makes me feel shitty.

# I realised this long time ago. When I'm serious, nobody likes me. I'm only serious when dealing with certain things, e.g. work and relationships. But when I'm crazy, people would be scared of me coz I party more than you could ever think of.

# Oh yea. I went clubbing when I was in Singapore. Haven't clubbed for ages but it feels great. Free drinks! Muahahahhaa...

# I didn't know I could drink THAT MUCH. I got drunk during a karaoke session with my friend's siblings but I knew what I did. Laughed and cried. Crazy.

# I realised love and sympathies are two different words with contrasting meanings. They can never be together.

# I realised I hate copycats. You seriously don't need to tell me that you're "on the same boat" kinda situation just to comfort me. What I went through were truly personal experiences that can't be described in words. Your situation is not the same as mine.

# I don't like to force people. Never forced anyone before even though it hurts badly. I had a choice to force. I had a chance to save the situation OR to make it worse, but I didn't do anything. What ever will be, will be.

# I believe in fate now. I accept all the things happened in my life, both good or bad. It's still a kind of challenge.

# I'm worth more than I ever expected. I found my true self and overpowered lust. I'm grateful to that Someone up there who keeps an eye on me.

# I'm used to idiots who looked down on me but I realised I cannot tolerate if people looked down on my family and friends. Oh by the way, I might as well thank some of the idiots who once despised me. I'm much better off today and will be even better in the future because of what you idiots said. Thanks a lot.

# I realised it's difficult to blend two minds with different mindsets together. Too bad.

# Think it's time to change image again. Straight hair? Maybe.

Sheesh! I thought I was supposed to blog more things about the trip?? Damn. I got lost again. Will be right back.

The Trip. My Thoughts. Things I Realised.

Initially, I wanted to blog everything out but I'm still very tired...and lazy as usual. HAha... So, I'll just blog anything I remember in sentences. Will blog everything in detail later...Damn, I feel like a real pig now! =P

# Went to Banting (a town near Klang), then to Malacca, back to Banting, then to Johor. Next stop in Singapore, then back to Johor. After that, spent a few days in KL before I'm back in Penang.

# Didn't get enough sleep. Inadequate water supply for the body. Too much of alcohol consumption. Got drunk and kept laughing like a hyena.

# Lots of volcanoes popped out on the face as my eyes were too busy for the past two weeks *grins*

# Penang local food is still the best.

# Malacca is just a small town but never attempt to walk around without a good pair of sneakers.

# I love the Baba&Nyonya Museum but Mahkota Parade is just too small for me and friends to shop.

# I realised there are MANY tall men in Johor and Singapore. Mostly at least 175cm. Perfect height.

# Lots of qweilos and ang mohs in Singapore.

# My eyes had a feast while I was in Johor and Singapore. LOTS of men with the kind of look my eyes would love to see. Muahahahaha. *drools*

# Singaporean guys are especially friendly to pretty babes. Keke.

# I've always considered myself ugly. I still think I am not pretty but it seems that I appear attractive to quite many fellas. *Ahem! Looks like the bitch in me is self-praising herself again* Hmm...I realised it's actually not difficult for me to fish get to know guys but I have my own standards. Some men are just plain idiots. Need I say more?

# I realised I dislike being in a comfort zone. I love a life with lots of challenges and great opportunities to continuously improve myself. Self upgradation is a lifelong thing. I'm never easily satisfied. So, I always avoid people who stays in that zone.

# Singapore is a VERY clean city. It has many attractive buildings to keep me dreaming of the future. Did I mention that there are LOTS of pretty babes and nice smart looking men there? Hehe.

# Singapore has no transportation problem. I love MRT. The island is a wonderful place to work too, I think.

# I love Clarke Quay, Orchard Road, Marina Bay (Didn't have the time to go there. Idiot.) and Raffles Place.

# I told someone I don't know where my heart was when we met that day and I know it hurts...but I finally realised where it is now. It's kinda surprising that it's still there. The heart is no longer waiting for any miracles but it's still there coz there's no other source of inspiration that's so influential that could bring confidence and strengthen me the way he did. Long story. Will blog about it later....BUT I was really sincere and happy while I was with this guy in the past few months.

# I thought I could be easy going with anything that comes my way but I was wrong. Like I said earlier, I'm never easily satisfied.

# I realised when you're really in love with someone, your heart wouldn't stray no matter how. My heart didn't stray for the past few months...but when it strayed recently, I knew the truth. It wasn't the other person's fault. There were too many parties involved. My heart actually got choked with a complicated and confusing feeling.

# I realised Long Distance Relationships (LDR) would never work IF a relationship wasn't built on a strong foundation. IF the timing was right, and the foundation was strong enough, everything would be fine.

# I'm only 22 but I'm not very young anymore. I'm a woman and I don't have much time to build my own career path. There are way too many things to be explored out there. There are many interesting and influential people I should really meet. I don't want to miss any opportunities coming my way. I don't want to regret later. Forget about marriage UNLESS the man is someone who inspires and brings confidence. Seriously, I don't believe I would ever walk down the aisle one of these days coz the type of man I look for doesn't exist anymore. Heh. We'll just see what happens in the future.

# People always think I'm strong and confident. I agree with that but the strength and confidence are only applicable to certain things. The truth is, I'm NOT that strong and confident...well, not all the time. That's why I need a person with a certain specific qualities. If not, why should I continue? I won't die without a man.

# I realised I'm different from the other girls at my age. No wonder I keep attracting older men.

# I realised I cannot multitask in relationships like what my friends did. Have never thought of multitasking in relationships also. So, I'm not a real bitch YET. Good news or bad news?

# I thought I had feelings for the other one. When I was shopping at Midvalley, I thought of him...but I realised. It was only a temporary kind of feelings. More on lust. I admit I had feelings for him at the end of last year, but this time, it's not the same anymore. After all, I always keep my principles. I don't mess around with other woman's man or somebody's husband. Believe me. I've experienced it before and it makes you feel shitty if you're in a situation like that.

# KL can be a quite boring place if you don't know what to do or who to meet. Hmm...maybe it's because I was there on weekdays.

# I realised lots of things when I was at Souled Out. Initially, I was afraid that I might meet that bloke as I could see the building of the company he works in from the place I sat. Then, I realised my eyes were searching frantically for him. Finally, I saw him. Oh no, it was just an illusion. It's just a man who looks like him. I never thought of all these previously but I finally realised why it was so hard to accept someone else. He's just too influential. I feel stupid but I can't control at all. Thankfully, I'm not longing for what I wanted from him anymore. I'm just glad that everything happened that way and he really strengthened me, in a way. Truly God sent. One word....experience.

# The property industry is much more competitive in KL compared to Singapore. There's not much of property trends in Singapore. I'm still very much in love with the properties in KL...PJ areas to be exact. Damansara. Perfect place with adequate amenities. As analysed, it's good enough for investment purposes.

Wow! I've blogged so much already? Damn. I have too many things to blog about. And I'm sleepy now.

Will be right back. Ciao.

0.01

Bloody coincidence. I just got home and the result is out!

Nothing big deal actually. Just a SLIGHT increment of 0.01 to the previous CGPA.

Come again? Did I say ZERO POINT ZERO ONE?? Yes.

Does it make any difference? Idiot.

I AM BACK!!

I just got back home early this morning at 4 am. Still very tired and blur now. Haven't unpacked my things yet. Lots of things to pour out in here. Lots of things I realised. Lots of thinking. Saw many things. Met many different people, both interesting and boring ones. Went to lots of places. Ate lots of good food. Walked too much. Got drunk. Spent a lot but still under budget. Bought many things. Lots of fun.

Damn. There are soooo many things to blog about! *yawn*

Be right back!

Oh yea. Happy Belated Birthday, bro! Sorry...I know I'm 24 hours late. I owe you a meal! Bleh! =P

Just a short note...

I was quite irritated yesterday. I know I always tend to say the wrong things at the wrong time. If what I said on MSN or typed in here hurt you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it but I really hope I could still have my own privacy or space when it comes to blogging. That's the reason why I disabled the comments. Blogging is the only way I clear things off my mind.

I may have blogged on something ridiculous or about someone else, but please respect my privacy and also the decision I made. If I said it's over means it's over. You seriously need not ask so much about it coz it hurts more when you don't trust me. Will you be happier if I were to tell you everything about the other person? No. So, please don't do that. Both are friends I truly treasure and it's definitely not a nice feeling to be in this situation. I really feel like a bitch. Whatever it is, I've cleared everything with him and it's over but if you still doubt it, I can't do anything also. It will only make me feel worse coz you are now so much like this one.


*p/s: I'll be away on a two-week holidays with my cheemuis. So, there won't be any updates till I come back. Till then, take care! =)

Happy Mother's Day, Mum! I love you. =)

I.have.been.thinking.a.lot.

Initially, I thought it was the biggest ever joke I've ever heard from my cheemui and I denied her statement uncountable times...but being a true Virgoan (or they call it Virgin?), I spent some time pondering over what she said. I know someone would be reading this but I'm not going to keep it secret, or else problems would subsequently occur. I don't want to cheat myself and be a real bitch in the end!

So, I remember I denied...then, I realised. Oh no! It's been some time already. Was I really unaware of it? ...or maybe I have been denying the fact all this while? How could I be so careless to be in this situation? How am I going to settle this problem when the initial one is not even settled yet?

Oh well. Now I really wonder whether the heart and mind would collaborate to produce a satisfying solution successfully. Usually, both organs (one that pumps blood to the whole body and usually causes abnormal "heart attacks" and the other that makes you think, think and think till you naik gila!) would never cooperate. So, I doubt. I doubt I will ever find any solution to the questions in the brain.

After spending approximately 168 hours pondering over this issue, I still can't find the best solution. Need I say more? Oh yea. Human beings are born greedy and I'm not spared. Can I have both? Or maybe I should kick both aside and get a new one instead? Haha...Damn...Oh forget what I said! Whatever it is, I'm sticking to the original decision and we'll see how things go. *Crosses fingers* Hmm...isn't that a sign that the brain is being autocratic and it seems like the heart is demanded to follow? Heh? *Sheesh*

One word. Bitch.

The mirrors of our lives

My eyes were glued to the idiot box while watching the TVB serials. Out of nowhere, I saw myself in there!

Oh no! I didn't act in the drama. I wasn't even dreaming of acting in one but I really saw something that reminds me of myself. The female character in the drama was in a dilemma...and it got me thinking. The bloody drama on TV is really a mirror of my own life!

Her situation was so much like mine, both current and possible future situations. I wouldn't elaborate much on that but I told myself I don't want that situation to happen to me when the time comes. Never. Then, I recalled the horoscope thingy I read when I was younger. Is it really going to be that way? Do I even have a choice if it was predestined?

This is not the only drama that reminds me of my own situation. The other two dramas I watched the other day brought the same conclusion. And currently, my own cousin sister who's married is going through the situation I fear most. Am I living in a world of reality or am I still wandering around, unaware of the harsh realities of life? Am I still in a self-denial stage? Even some of the blogs I frequent have posts of similar situations. It's just like a hidden message to me regarding something, which I'm not quite sure. Is that merely a blind coincidence?

And the most important question is, "Do we have the power to control or decide everything??" Sadly to say, we only have a limited power to control certain things in our lives. I wish I could decide everything in my life, but sometimes, I reckon it's better to leave certain things alone and follow the flow as fated. But, what if I really choose to decide certain things and it unfortunately ends with a big regret? It would be worse as the decision I made have destroyed everything. Isn't that a sign that we're the actual creator of the devils in ourselves?? Oh what a bitch!!

B-I-T-C-H!!

Damn. I'm such a bitch! Arrghh...

010203040506

It's now 1 am, 2 minutes, 3 seconds on the 4th of May 2006 ....

Heh! There's nothing so special about this 010203040506 thingy at all....

Am I supposed to make a wish or something?? Heh!

The Unspoken Truth??

Well, that's what Joyce said. According to her, it's a famous Chinese saying but I can't remember how to say it, let alone type it here. What do you expect from a person who's an 85% "banana"??

Anyway, we went out for our normal chatting/gossiping session this afternoon. After a few hours of chatting and gossiping, she suddenly said, "There's an unspoken truth between you and that guy!"

"Huh? What do you mean?" I asked.

"Don't you get it? It's an unspoken truth but the both of you are still oblivious to it! "

"Which guy are you talking about now? The one you met recently or last year??"

"Neither. I've never met this one before but you told me about him a few months back. Should be the one from..........."

"Oh that one. So, what's wrong with that man? Why are you saying that there's an unspoken truth between the both of us?"

"Well...I could see something between the both of you lar. Hmm...think I better not say anything further."

"Si cha bo, you better tell me what's in your mind now!"

"I think the both of you actually have feelings for each other but dare not admit it."

"What??? OMG! You think so?"

"Yes. I could see it from a third person's point of view."

"....but you haven't met him before. How can you make that conclusion?"

"It's the instinct. Besides, I've seen how you reacted each time you fall for someone! Just like that one I met last year. Hehehe."

"Heh? Hmm...no idea. But, I don't think it's true ler. You're probably too sensitive."


Have you ever felt that way? A situation when you began to wonder whether you've actually made a blunder or it's just the doubts in you that are making you over-sensitive. Well, of course I don't agree with what Joyce said since that I'm kind of linked to someone else now. That man is also somewhat linked to another woman. But, am I in a self-denial stage?

Why???

This is something very personal. Buzz off if you're not supposed to be here!

It's been months now since I told her. Each time she mistreats me, I have an excuse for her. I'd convince myself that MAYBE she's suffering from menopausal symptoms (yes, I think she's really suffering from it...but that's another story altogether!) Sometimes, I would also lie to myself that maybe that woman practises favouritism. She prefers her boy. Doesn't matter. She doesn't really care much about my studies or anything else when I was younger (that's why I studied hard to get back her attention...old story =/), but we'll just put that aside first. I'm not complaining or being jealous. I'm all grown up now and I don't need any attention or TLC from her anymore...but there's something I don't understand.

At times, I blame myself for being too sensitive. I thought, the culprit behind all these arguments and the great gap between the both of us were the childhood memories, and also nightmares. I've even had the thought of being an adopted child...but I know that was just insane. As I grew older, I began to realize that all those foolish thoughts were a sign of immaturity. I thought communication would patch up all the distance between me and her, and that we would be able to bond. I trusted her and told her something I shouldn't. Until today, she's still thinking of it, in a negative way. *sigh*

She has been finding fault with me for the past few months...in fact, ever since I told her about the change in me, the new faith I found. Each time, when there's nothing to talk about, she would bring up weird questions. Just now, she asked again. "You haven't prayed or even held any joss sticks for quite some time." I kept quiet. She continued, "Are you a Christian now?"

I was shocked with her question. I said no...but in fact, I wanted to say not yet. Somehow, I didn't tell her my exact answer. I just said no as I didn't want to create anymore conflicts or arguments. I thought to myself for a moment. What's the difference if I were to listen to her words and held joss sticks? It would still be useless as there won't be any prayers following the burning incense. I'm just numb to all that.

Previously, there's once when I retaliated to what she said. I asked, "Are you trying to prove something or to compensate me with a sudden attention that you didn't give me last time?" We argued and didn't talk to each other for a few days, and that was some time at the beginning of this year. Seriously, I don't understand her at all. I secretly envy other girls' mothers. I've even reminded myself millions of times that I will never, ever treat my own daughter that way. Seriously, I don't know what else I could do besides blogging. Sometimes, it's really difficult to say it out, let alone find the right one to talk to regarding this. As I'm typing here, tears are already flowing freely. Damn. I hate to be like this.

I just don't get it. Why is it so hard for her and the rest at home to understand? I've already tried my best. What else am I supposed to do? I've already strayed too far away from that Someone up there. If I didn't consider their feelings, I would have entered His Kingdom last year! If I did, I would have to "leave" everything, including them, the three most important people in my life that I love and am willing to die for.

It hurts most when she started discriminating the faith just because I'm into it. Previously, she wasn't like this. I have to admit that I really hate her questions and the way she sees things. I'm always trying my best to avoid her questions, to prevent further arguments, but she has not even put in any effort to maintain the family's comfort stage. Currently, I still don't know whether the head of the family knows about my belief, but I'm really trying to delay things. He's not ready to know anything yet.

Actually, it doesn't matter at all when she and the other two say bad things about this faith as those things uttered would fall on deaf ears. I ignored her words when she said people of this faith are good at brainwashing or influencing. Never mind. I am 100% sure I am NOT influenced as everything came naturally! Other than that, what else could I do? How long can I go on like that? I don't know. I'm just relying on the Promises by that Someone up there through the Big Book. I just hope that she knows I've already tried my best to please her and the other two at home. In fact, I'm really tired. I mean, can't she see that I'm happy because I've found peace in my own self? I just need her to trust and respect me....but somehow, she can't. Now, I know why I'm not really that close to her even though some say we are like sisters or friends.

Please. I'm old enough to know what I'm doing. Can you please respect my decision? Why can't you trust and support me? Is that too much to ask for??

Gira Con Me, Josh Groban

Il mondo gira con me questa notte
Piccoli passi che faccio con te
Seguo il tuo cuore e seguo la luna
Cosi� nascosta lontana da me
Il mondo gira con noi questa notte
Ah esistesse lontano da qui
Un posto dove scoprire il mio cuore
Sapere se lui puo� amare o no

E girera e girera il cuore mio assieme a te
E girera il mondo girera
La mia vita e un giorno lui si s capira

Sei tu che giri con me questa notte
Sei tu che giri lontana da qui
Ma si io so che tu sei la mia luna
qualcosa mostri qualcosa no

Ci sono strade azzurre nel cielo
Ci sono occhi e il cielo e gia li
Si questo credo che siano le stelle
Ah se potessi fermarmi cosi

E girera e girera il cuore mio lontan da te
E girera il mondo girera
Questa notte e un giorno lui si s capira

Cuore e gia lontano
Si tu sei la luna
Potessi scoprirlo nel cielo

E girera e girera si girera il cuore mio
Girera il mondo girera la mia vita
Un giorno lui si si capira
Un giorno lui si si capira


The world wanders with me tonight (Translated lyrics)

Little steps I take with you
I follow your heart and I follow the moon
So hidden far away from me
The world wanders with us tonight

Ahhh if only far away from here existed
A place where to discover my heart

To know if it can love you or not

And it will wander and it will wander
This heart of mine along with you
And the earth will wander
My life will wander and yes yes one day it will understand

It's you who wanders with me tonight
It's you who wanders far from here
But yes I know that you are my moon
Something you show, something you don't

There are blue roads in the sky
There are eyes, and the sky is already there
Yes, I think this is the stars
Ahh, if I could stop like this

And it will wander, and it will wander
My heart far from you
And the earth will wander
My life will wander and one day yes, yes it will understand

Heart already far away
Yes you are the moon
If only i could discover it in the sky

And it will wander, and it will wander
Yes it will wander this heart of mine
And the earth will wander, my life will wander
And one day yes it will understand
And one day yes it will understand you

"Brainwashed" by Artist Gallery

I didn't have plans of buying anything. My job was to follow bro to Gurney Plaza to look for a nice hand phone to replace his current one. It was supposed to be a fast trip to the crowded place since that the bloke has always been fast in making purchasing decisions....but, guess he got influenced by mum's shopping style.

He became fickle minded. We entered the bloody shop nearly 999 times until the shop owner could recognize my face even if he was blindfolded! Anyway, bro finally bought himself a brand new hand phone that costs him quite a big hole in the pocket. Thank God, there's always Mastercard! =)

While waiting for bro to make his purchasing decision, I went into MPH bookstores for a few minutes. Normally, I would be in there for a minimum of one hour plus. Well, maybe I was trying to prevent another few hundred Ringgits spent on books. So, I ended up wasting some time in Artist Gallery (A music shop, duhh!) as I didn't want to look at those ugly brides models parading for the Bridal Fair at the ground floor. Heh! I mean, why should I be fascinated with those white-ish gowns since that I'm not walking down the aisle anytime soon, right? *sheesh* Oh okie, back to Artist Gallery.

So, I went in there to get my mind out of something to enjoy the nice, relaxing music and I got brainwashed, again. The lady owner of the shop seems to have the same taste of music as she always plays that kind of songs that I love to listen to. Oh well, there goes one fifty Ringgit note! Bleh!

I bought Classics in the City. The title of this CD made me shocked, a bit. I was asking myself the whole afternoon, "Since when I'm into Classical music??" Then when I listened, I finally realized why I bought it. The album has a few really nice Soprano type of songs. Hehe. In case you didn't know, I love the Opera or Soprano type of songs but of course, I do listen to other genre of songs, duhh! Oh wait. Why am I telling you this? You're not buying me those songs or albums, are you?? *rolls eyes*

The album: Classics in the City (Only recommended for those with the same taste!) Heh! Seriously, I only like a few songs in there. Regret buying the album?? Arrghh...maybe not.