Read my lips....

_{Warning! This is a long-winded personal post. So, it’s going to be boring! And sorry, there’s nothing interesting or funny about this post, so don’t waste your time here. You may comment after you read, but I won’t be replying. Whether you are supporting or going against my views, that’s none of my or your business! What I know is that, this is my blog, a personal online diary and that I have 100% power to write anything I want. If you don’t like this blog or me, then just buzz off! Thank you.}

This is a continuation from my previous post regarding the games in our lives. I drafted this article a month ago and I think I should post it up now before it gets longer and longer…haha!

Just like everyone else, I’ve played lots of games to be who I am today. Yet, I know I still have many more to go. And now, I’m telling you that I’ve just ended a game, and am about to start another one. My mind and soul have been wearily wandering for quite sometime, always with the company of deep thoughts. (Yes, I ponder a lot and I’m sure my beautiful hair will turn grey soon! Hehe…) And I finally found the answer, the best solution to what I’ve gone through. Therefore, I want YOU, the one reading this article right now to be my witness! I would like to make a vow. I want to promise myself a few things….

I’m currently entering a phase of changes. From now onwards, I promise NOT to think about him anymore. Even though he was truly a perfect dream and it’s a waste that we’re not together and blah, blah, blah (*yawns!)…I MUST ignore and forget the whole thing! After all, it has been 6 months of silence ever since the last call and email. And I find myself stupid, foolish enough to continue becoming useless and hopeless. I’ve had enough, and I’m glad to declare that I’m back to my old self, the one who has been strong in enduring every single challenge in life. Life has been quite static but it’s time to wake up. Now, I’m listening to the songs that used to remind me of him, to forget him. It’s just like what I mentioned about the games in my previous post. I started the game with these songs, and now, I’m ending it with them. Weird huh?? Hmmm…

I admit that his short presence in my life has truly changed everything, in the way I live, in the way I perceive things, in every single angle of life but I’m going back to my true self, of course with a new and much mature personality. Even though, everything suddenly turned 180 degrees and our relationship didn’t work out, I’m still glad that God sent this ‘angel’ to me. Because of him, I managed to delete all the bad memories and my previous histories. But now, it’s time to let him go. Let him out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my soul. I’m going to delete his hand phone and office contact numbers, and also all the mails he sent me. I’m going to delete my account in FriendCircles too cuz that’s the place where we used to keep in touch, besides sending/replying SMSes and emails. Just want to thank him for being a part of my life to keep me going when I was down.

No matter how, life still has to go on. And I proudly confirm that I’m keeping my fingers crossed and will be back on track, to achieve my goals. I will NOT think of him again as it’s really a waste of time. Whether he’s mine or not, it doesn’t matter anymore as time has proven everything. If he’s mine, no matter how many degrees of turn or how many years of silence, he’ll be back. But, I don’t want to know and don’t want to care about this anymore. And I’m NOT hoping for it to happen too. God knows what is best for me. All that matters now is my future cuz at this moment of life, I thirst for success more than a man. Even though I stated all my greedy wishes in two of my previous posts, there’s one (a combination of those wishes), which is VERY important to me since young. All the while, I’ve been a highly self-motivated person, and until today, I’m still one. It took me lots of hard work and effort to be here today, pursuing tertiary education. Actually, I’ve never applied for and never wanted to be in this university, but I was offered a place here. How ironic!

I wasn’t supposed to be here but everything seems to be fated. I was supposed to be in another country, sponsored by a scholarship (I managed to secure an international scholarship actually, but they rejected me after knowing my results. Bloody hell!!) to pursue a well-known degree studies in a prestigious university. But, fate turned its back on me, cruelly ‘killed’ me at the most crucial time of my life, during ONE of the papers in the STPM exams. I used to be the best student in that subject, and had even received numerous awards back in Form 6, but it was really shocking to achieve an ugly grade for it. I was appalled until I dare not face my beloved teacher/friend, Mr.Ho who taught that subject. He had expected me to get an A but I let him down. I didn’t meet him when the results were released, as I knew I would break down and cry in front of him. I told him the bad news via email. One month later, I finally went back to meet him after I got adapted to the shocking news. The most difficult part about the bad news was how to face my parents, Mr.Ho and also myself.

Life was really hell at that time, the moment when I couldn’t shed tears when I felt like crying and the moment when I couldn’t even smile when I wanted to laugh. The sudden ugly change in fate was a great blow to me, as I knew my dreams and beautiful plans were all dashed because of it. BUT, it’s all over now. Failure is not the end to everything. I realized that it was just a temporary fall and that I have to be strong to get up to start all over again. It took me quite sometime to recover from the sudden shock. And, I finally accepted my destiny, to be here, in a local public university, located exactly in the middle of the jungle, pursuing a course that I’ve never heard before. Dad told me that being offered a place in this university might be a blessing in disguised. When the STPM results were released, he reminded me, “It doesn’t matter where you’re going to, just as long as you have the qualities, you’ll definitely do well in everything, where ever you are” and until today, what he told me on that fateful day is still very clear in my mind.

Ever since I first step into this place, I reminded myself millions of times to be tough. I collected enough strength and courage to register on the first day, to brave through a dull jungle life. I told myself no matter where I go, just as long as I focus on my dreams, plans and hopes, my future would be nicely shaped and that I will achieve everything that I’ve always wanted in life. Now, I’m glad that I got used to the life here. Adapting to the jungle isn’t really that difficult even though there were times when I was really sad, stressed and had wanted to give up in everything.

Now, I’m making another promise, which is to focus on my career/future. I’ve been an ambitious freak since young but it has been quite some time since the last thought about my nicely shaped future. Therefore, I promise to do my very best in everything that’s coming along my way, just as long as it would help to build my career the way it’s desired. At the moment, nothing else is more important than my priority of succeeding in life. Recently, I realized that everything that happens to us is just an answer to the questions we frequently asked, like these, “If other people can succeed in life, why can’t I?” “If other people can score good grades, why can’t I?” “If other people can change his/her fate from a poverty stricken family to become a multimillionaire, why can’t I?” Since young, I’ve never believed in fate. Until today, I still think that we are able to control almost everything in life (I think I should exclude love and relationships) as our future lies in our own hands. It’s not about God, luck or chance; it’s all about you. It’s you yourself who determine your own future. You have the power to shape your own future provided you pour in countless efforts to build it as nothing comes easily without any hard work. Even God can’t do anything if you don’t make an initiative, cuz He will only help those who help themselves. But sometimes, certain things that happen in our lives are just inexplicable. There’s always a reason behind everything, be it good news or bad news. Maybe, it’s just a test from God to make us stronger.

Thus, I’m making it clear to myself (you don’t need to bother this part actually, hehe…) that from now on, I’m temporarily declaring myself as ‘single BUT not available’ AGAIN. I don’t know how long this temporary period would last but I’m definitely NOT shutting myself to flirts and male friends! So, don’t avoid or run away from me ok! LOL…I remember setting this status a few years back, and it really worked out, making me quite successful in the things I did, but it was a bad news and painful rejection to a few blokes. Hehe, sorry guys, I’m the type who really mean it when it comes to setting or declaring a serious statement, BUT if there’s someone who is special enough to inspire me and further enhance the possibility or ability to achieve my goals, then I might consider. That’s how he dominated my brain heart actually, where he has truly influenced and inspired me when I was at the lowest point of my life. In fact, I was using that ‘single BUT not available’ status when he came into my life. Somehow, that fella managed to enter my heart. Oh well, fated again??? Stupid fate thingy…

Ahh, it feels great to be able to pour everything out! I’ve never expressed or told anyone about how I felt when I was terribly traumatized by the STPM results. No one would really understand how I felt. At that moment, I didn’t even know how to release the sadness and disappointment even though I have a few close friends of whom I could relate this to. Anyways, everything is over and I’m glad that I’m a much stronger person today! (*Ahem!) Now, I just hope that I won’t be seeing or meeting him anymore, anytime in the future, either accidentally or purposely cuz I don’t want this whole thing to be a vicious cycle. I just don’t feel like it. It’s not about hating him or running away from reality, it’s just that everything is over! I just don’t want to see him… So, if I were to bump into him one of these days, I guess I’ll just act stupid, ignore and walk pass him! (Until today, I still can’t hate him, I don’t know why! The normal style has always been to hate a guy after it’s game over, right?? But this one is weird enough…hmmm)

Besides all the promises I made earlier, I’d like to add another one, which sounds more like a hope. As you may have realized it from my previous posts, I found myself living in tranquility and serenity with the presence of our Heavenly Father. Therefore, I really hope that I could fill up my life with the love of God, entering His kingdom in the name of Jesus Christ. I’m not really pious but I know what I’m up to. Oh well, how many promises did I make?? OMG!! I think I’ve lost count of it…blah!! Actually, it doesn’t matter how many promises I made, as the most important thing is that I’m serious in whatever I’ve promised. Nothing can stop me or negatively influence me from reaching my goals. I pray that God would answer my prayers; always blessing and guiding me in everything I do. Hey, I just realized it! What I wrote here isn’t really about me only; it could help you too! So, are you inspired??? Damn, I guess I have potentials to be a counselor! LOL…