There's something wrong somewhere but I don't know where. Every single post in here has been written according to how I felt and thought. BUT, there's a clear view of contradiction if you read and compare each post carefully.
I might be very sure of myself in certain things I do or decide to do but sometimes I doubt myself too. I don't know whether what I'm currently doing or planning to do is right or wrong. Nobody knows. As I mentioned before, I dislike the state of insecurity. I'm almost always doubtful of people I meet, things I see or heard. Maybe, it's because of certain things I experienced but it's not about blaming on my past anymore.
Sometimes, I do wonder and ask myself "why am I here?" All these years, I struggled hard to earn everything I wanted. I'm not complaining about the hardwork but is there any form of security in the future? I plan a lot but as each day passes, I can't refrain myself from thinking about the blank piece of paper called future. Some people can just live each day at a time without even thinking about the next day but I can't. I simply can't sit down and do anything or nothing without thinking. Sometimes, I wished I could just be carefree, living each day at a time without any worries.
Being a planner and organiser, I love to see myself achieving what I've always wanted in life. But, there are certain things in life of which you can't plan to get them. Even if I could, I would have to sacrifice and let go of some of my pre-planned missions. Life deals with lots of junctions where you would need to choose between two or more options. By choosing one of the options, you will have to let go of another and there's definitely no turning point to what you've chosen. So, will this option you choose benefit you in the end? Will you be contented with the outcome and live life with this particular option without any regrets? No one knows!
Promises can be made easily but can you really keep up to what you've promised? I know I promised millions of things but I broke thousands of them already. There are certain things that I wanted to do but I can't. There are many things that I wanted to change and stop myself from doing but I'm still doing it! All these give me mixed feelings, but mostly leading toward confusion. Even seeking divine help makes me confused coz I belong to no one and nowhere at the moment. I can't go any nearer to The Great One up there as I'm a real sinner and I certainly know I'm not clean to be anywhere near Him. Everything gets even more confusing when people starts telling the truth about His practices of which I was too ignorant to even realise it. The worse is that I've even condemned some of the practices before without realising it. And it gets me thinking again. Am I really on the right path? Can I keep up to His words and practise them?
Many friends told me that I don't think or act like a twenty-one-year-old. I don't know whether I should take it as a compliment or a bad news. At times, I really feel very uncomfortable with myself. I feel like a very complicated person being trapped in a simple girl's body. And it's definitely not nice to be a worrywart! There are so many things I don't understand. There are so many "wh-" questions in my mind. Seeking some close friends' help to listen could do wonders but being cynical makes things worse. I could listen to people's problems for hours, days or even years but is there anyone out there who could listen to me for just minutes? It's not a complaint actually but sometimes, it's better to tell anything I have in mind to the four walls in my room as I doubt there's anyone out there who could really understand me.
Being stubborn and skeptical at the same time can be hostile. I MIGHT sound like a freaking depressed woman who seriously needs to talk to the Befrienders or seek psychiatric treatment but I am not the type that you've been thinking about! I don't need anyone to sympathise me. I'm blessed with four limbs and I can get and do anything I want by myself. I seriously don't beg for love, attention or popularity even though you might have read somewhere in here that I have done it!
Ever asked yourself what would happen to you in 10 years' time? After 20 or 30 years? No one knows exactly what would happen in the future. Nobody could tell whether I would still be alive at that time or not. Apparently, everyone dreams of a perfect family with a loving spouse, wonderful kids and later grandchildren and so on. I'm not spared from dreaming about it too but I have a big doubt on that. I don't know whether I should put a blame on anxiety and fear or my past but I have a clear big question mark in my head on that matter. Previously, I was lucky enough that someone had eventually saved me from all these matters. But now, I realised that it's just a vicious cycle to be back to this kind of situation and feeling. From what I feel, I gather that I'm a bit lost and needs assurance from someone with some kind of aura. But, the problem is I am always skeptical on those peeps around me and would rather believe in myself than to simply listen to anyone, or so to speak. It usually becomes much more difficult after going through what I experienced. It's not so easy to get up after a fall after all.
At times, I feel very weak and helpless. I wished I could seek The Great One's help but I don't know whether I should or shouldn't. I'm not sure whether I'm able to live up to His words and practices. I'm confused. Can't we just live a normal happy life without thinking so much? No one loves to depend on others but is there really someone reliable to rely on besides The Great One up there? I doubt that! Is it too much to seek for someone to care about you? The sore throat I'm having now reminds me of him, again! This is not good! Perhaps, I should start blaming this fella. If it's not because of him, I wouldn't be like this! Everything would be so much better if I were an ignorant and innocent girl who's gullible enough to listen to anyone easily!
People says that time will heal up everything but what about the scars? Will there be any cure to those ugly blemishes? Usually a new one would replace or fill up the empty space in life but will he/she bring enough happiness to cherish and cover up the wounds of our past? What I know is that a new one would really help to patch the potholes of the heart but if he/she decides to leave, the scars would definitely become even deeper than before. So, you tell me...is it so much easier to believe and trust anyone after what you've encountered?
Currently, I still don't know whether I am doing the right thing or not. I don't know whether I should stop doing certain things or not. I may have all the confidence in everything I do but I'm still doubtful. I don't know whether I'll be able to get what I've always dreamt of. Questions. Questions. Questions. There are so many questions to ask but there are no answers to them! I'm lost and confused. I need assurance and guidance. Is that too much to ask for? Everyone wants to be loved and cared for but is there anyone out there who's truly sincere to supply all these?
I might be very sure of myself in certain things I do or decide to do but sometimes I doubt myself too. I don't know whether what I'm currently doing or planning to do is right or wrong. Nobody knows. As I mentioned before, I dislike the state of insecurity. I'm almost always doubtful of people I meet, things I see or heard. Maybe, it's because of certain things I experienced but it's not about blaming on my past anymore.
Sometimes, I do wonder and ask myself "why am I here?" All these years, I struggled hard to earn everything I wanted. I'm not complaining about the hardwork but is there any form of security in the future? I plan a lot but as each day passes, I can't refrain myself from thinking about the blank piece of paper called future. Some people can just live each day at a time without even thinking about the next day but I can't. I simply can't sit down and do anything or nothing without thinking. Sometimes, I wished I could just be carefree, living each day at a time without any worries.
Being a planner and organiser, I love to see myself achieving what I've always wanted in life. But, there are certain things in life of which you can't plan to get them. Even if I could, I would have to sacrifice and let go of some of my pre-planned missions. Life deals with lots of junctions where you would need to choose between two or more options. By choosing one of the options, you will have to let go of another and there's definitely no turning point to what you've chosen. So, will this option you choose benefit you in the end? Will you be contented with the outcome and live life with this particular option without any regrets? No one knows!
Promises can be made easily but can you really keep up to what you've promised? I know I promised millions of things but I broke thousands of them already. There are certain things that I wanted to do but I can't. There are many things that I wanted to change and stop myself from doing but I'm still doing it! All these give me mixed feelings, but mostly leading toward confusion. Even seeking divine help makes me confused coz I belong to no one and nowhere at the moment. I can't go any nearer to The Great One up there as I'm a real sinner and I certainly know I'm not clean to be anywhere near Him. Everything gets even more confusing when people starts telling the truth about His practices of which I was too ignorant to even realise it. The worse is that I've even condemned some of the practices before without realising it. And it gets me thinking again. Am I really on the right path? Can I keep up to His words and practise them?
Many friends told me that I don't think or act like a twenty-one-year-old. I don't know whether I should take it as a compliment or a bad news. At times, I really feel very uncomfortable with myself. I feel like a very complicated person being trapped in a simple girl's body. And it's definitely not nice to be a worrywart! There are so many things I don't understand. There are so many "wh-" questions in my mind. Seeking some close friends' help to listen could do wonders but being cynical makes things worse. I could listen to people's problems for hours, days or even years but is there anyone out there who could listen to me for just minutes? It's not a complaint actually but sometimes, it's better to tell anything I have in mind to the four walls in my room as I doubt there's anyone out there who could really understand me.
Being stubborn and skeptical at the same time can be hostile. I MIGHT sound like a freaking depressed woman who seriously needs to talk to the Befrienders or seek psychiatric treatment but I am not the type that you've been thinking about! I don't need anyone to sympathise me. I'm blessed with four limbs and I can get and do anything I want by myself. I seriously don't beg for love, attention or popularity even though you might have read somewhere in here that I have done it!
Ever asked yourself what would happen to you in 10 years' time? After 20 or 30 years? No one knows exactly what would happen in the future. Nobody could tell whether I would still be alive at that time or not. Apparently, everyone dreams of a perfect family with a loving spouse, wonderful kids and later grandchildren and so on. I'm not spared from dreaming about it too but I have a big doubt on that. I don't know whether I should put a blame on anxiety and fear or my past but I have a clear big question mark in my head on that matter. Previously, I was lucky enough that someone had eventually saved me from all these matters. But now, I realised that it's just a vicious cycle to be back to this kind of situation and feeling. From what I feel, I gather that I'm a bit lost and needs assurance from someone with some kind of aura. But, the problem is I am always skeptical on those peeps around me and would rather believe in myself than to simply listen to anyone, or so to speak. It usually becomes much more difficult after going through what I experienced. It's not so easy to get up after a fall after all.
At times, I feel very weak and helpless. I wished I could seek The Great One's help but I don't know whether I should or shouldn't. I'm not sure whether I'm able to live up to His words and practices. I'm confused. Can't we just live a normal happy life without thinking so much? No one loves to depend on others but is there really someone reliable to rely on besides The Great One up there? I doubt that! Is it too much to seek for someone to care about you? The sore throat I'm having now reminds me of him, again! This is not good! Perhaps, I should start blaming this fella. If it's not because of him, I wouldn't be like this! Everything would be so much better if I were an ignorant and innocent girl who's gullible enough to listen to anyone easily!
People says that time will heal up everything but what about the scars? Will there be any cure to those ugly blemishes? Usually a new one would replace or fill up the empty space in life but will he/she bring enough happiness to cherish and cover up the wounds of our past? What I know is that a new one would really help to patch the potholes of the heart but if he/she decides to leave, the scars would definitely become even deeper than before. So, you tell me...is it so much easier to believe and trust anyone after what you've encountered?
Currently, I still don't know whether I am doing the right thing or not. I don't know whether I should stop doing certain things or not. I may have all the confidence in everything I do but I'm still doubtful. I don't know whether I'll be able to get what I've always dreamt of. Questions. Questions. Questions. There are so many questions to ask but there are no answers to them! I'm lost and confused. I need assurance and guidance. Is that too much to ask for? Everyone wants to be loved and cared for but is there anyone out there who's truly sincere to supply all these?
